


My Love (for you)

by Babbling



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Boys Kissing, CEO Kim Byeongkwan, Complete, Dinner dates, Emotional Manipulation, Engagement, Established Relationship, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Gun Violence, Holding Hands, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, M/M, Manipulative Relationship, Murder, Neck Kissing, Original Character Death(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Secret Relationship, Secretary Kim Sehyoon, Tags Are Hard, Tags Contain Spoilers, They both work for a TV channel, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love, Workplace Relationship, blackmailing, mentioning of death, otherwise really fluffy, wowkwan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:06:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25431337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babbling/pseuds/Babbling
Summary: “It’s what one has to do to achieve things in this work branch...I thought you knew that.” Disbelief paired with distress rushed through Sehyoon and he could feel desperate tears gather in his eyes.“This is not the first time...” It wasn’t a question but Byeongkwan nodded nevertheless.“No...”————Giving his heart to Byeongkwan is easy but Sehyoon will quickly have to realize that loving him is a much bigger challenge than he ever imagined. Still, he would do anything for Byeongkwan.
Relationships: Kim Byeongkwan/Kim Sehyoon | Wow, Kim Sehyoon | Wow/Park Junhee | Jun
Comments: 17
Kudos: 36





	1. KBKTV

**Author's Note:**

> I have many regrets but no excuses...except that I wanted to try something different for once lmao

Sehyoon stepped out of the subway station with a smile, taking his time to open his umbrella while the other people around him hastily headed to to their workplaces, appointments or schools. Unlike them he didn’t get bothered by something unswayable as the weather. For two weeks there had been no rain and now that there was finally water falling from the sky again, Sehyoon could only think about all the plants that had been close to dying of thirst. Nature needed the rain so he didn’t understand why he should be bothered by it. 

These thoughts on his mind, he made his way down the street and towards a building that seemed to be towering above its surroundings like a castle over a small town. The KBKTV tower had gotten completed only shortly before Sehyoon had taken on his new job as a secretary and he still remembered how intimidated he had felt, when standing in front of it for the first time. It counted as one of the most impressive buildings in the entire city and even now, over two years later, Sehyoon felt himself slightly shudder when he looked up towards where the top was disappearing in the deep hanging clouds. 

The KBKTV television center was indeed extremely imposing but in an intimidating kind of way with its facades made entirely out of dark steel and tinted glass. From the streets and other buildings, nobody was able to see what was going on inside and because of that there were many rumors and conspiracy theories spreading online like wildfires. If one believed them, the company was not only lead by a psychopathic lizard-human but also involved in sex and drug trafficking, several cases of blackmailing as well as doing researches on alien technology and hiding said aliens in the depths of their basement. And that were only a few examples. It was interesting to see what people were able to come up with, simply because they couldn’t catch a glimpse of the inside of a building, no matter how hard they pressed their noses against the windows which Sehyoon had seen people actually do. 

In his two years here, he had learned that curiosity was a strong emotion that often got underestimated and could make some people act like stupid fools. 

Not that Sehyoon hadn’t been curious and excited to finally be allowed to enter the tower on his first day of work. In the end he had gotten disappointed; the CEO didn’t show any signs of being part of the world’s small human-lizard population nor had Sehyoon ever laid eyes on a real alien. In reality the building couldn’t be more ordinary and his job more stressful. 

Inside the wide entrance hall, Sehyoon quickly threw a glance at the huge clock in its middle which had gotten added shortly after he first started working for the TV channel. As far as he knew it was handmade and looked expensive, but all he cared about was the fact that it told him that he was still on time. He took a relieved breath, rushing towards the crowded elevator. The people there recognized him immediately, three of them quickly jumping out of the elevator to make space for him, before bowing deeply. Sehyoon had never enjoyed receiving special treatment like this but he also wasn’t in a place to wait in line right now and therefore he only nodded at them gratefully. While they shot up towards the top of the building - stopping now and then for people to get on and off - Sehyoon used the time to talk to his colleagues. Some of them, he hardly even knew but politeness was important to him and small talk a surprisingly big part of his job. Therefore, the elevator rides had become Sehyoon’s place to make new friends and find out about the latest gossip.

“How is your wife doing? Did her back pain get worse? Can’t believe you will be a father soon!” Or,

“The pictures of your weekend trip looked amazing! I should definitely get out of the city for a couple of days too.” And not to forget, 

“What? She really cheated on her? What a bi...uhm...bad person.”

It costed a lot of time and work but in Sehyoon’s opinion it was better to have a lot of friends rather than people that just waited to stab you in the back because they envied you. Especially if your position made you the last person to step out of the elevator at the very top of the tower. Sehyoon couldn’t help but smile, walking closer to the window. He loved the view from here, though the first couple of weeks, he had been pretty scared to be this far from the ground. A fall from here would be a long and painful one and he was secretly thankful that the windows were not only unable to open but also consisted of bulletproof glass. It lowered the chances of a fall-related death to nearly zero. 

Some seconds were all for how long Sehyoon allowed himself to get distracted by the view, before he carefully glanced through the window into his boss’s office to make sure that he hadn’t arrived before him. It was currently 7:46 o’clock and usually Mr. Kim paid a lot of attention to show up at exactly eight o’clock; not a minute earlier or later, but in the past it had also happened that on a bad day, Sehyoon’s boss had already been sitting in his big leather chair, waiting for Sehyoon to arrive. The memory made him shudder and he quickly went behind his own desk in front of his boss’s office; putting everything in order and then checking the schedule for the day. People tended to underrate secretaries. They thought that it wasn’t a difficult or rewarding job to do, but those people didn’t understand just how important Sehyoon was for his boss. Without him, there would be nobody to organize, plan and remember Mr. Kim’s schedules which eventually would lead to chaos erupting in the entire company. Sehyoon was very important and his boss knew that. 

A soft _ping_ sound made him flinch startled. Hastily he jumped up and walked around his desk so that he was standing in front of it. His boss was on his way and since it was raining Sehyoon wasn’t sure what his mood would be like. He silently prayed the driver had made sure that not a single drop of rain found its way onto his boss’s coat because that would make both their days a lot more...challenging. The bigger the number on the display over the elevator got, the more sweat begun to gather in Sehyoon’s palms.

He rubbed them over the sides of his trousers; hoping to dry them but the sticky feeling remained. Then the elevator arrived with another soft _ping_ , followed by the doors slowly opening. Sehyoon didn’t even get the chance to catch a glimpse of his boss, before he quickly bowed down deeply, his arms neatly pressed against the sides of his body.

“Good morning, sir!” Sehyoon had practiced this greeting many times and by now he was convinced that he mastered it perfectly. His voice sounded clear and energetic but at the same time also respectful and just the right amount of subservient. 

On a good day, his boss would now greet him back, but apparently it wasn’t a good day, because he stayed silent. In his current position, the only things Sehyoon was able to see were the ends of the other’s dress pants and his dark, shining leather shoes that walked closer, before they suddenly stopped right in front of him. Sehyoon’s breath faltered. He could feel his boss’s eyes on him and they burned like fire on his skin. He tried to stay calm, his hair falling into his eyes and more sweat now also gathering on his forehead. It was an important rule that Sehyoon had to keep his head lowered in a bow until his boss either allowed him to stand up straight again or entered his office. Usually he did the latter so Sehyoon didn’t understand why he was staring at him instead. Everything in him wanted to look up to meet the other’s eyes and check if he was really looking at him and, if he was, with what kind of expression, but Sehyoon knew from experience that breaking the rules never ended well. So, he stayed still and silent, patiently waiting for his boss to move on, what he eventually did without any kind of comment. 

When Sehyoon finally heard the door closing shut behind him, he took a deep shaky breath, making sure to hold his position for some more seconds so that the other wouldn’t see how uncomfortable he had felt. Slight dizziness overcame him and he blamed it on all the blood that must have gathered in his head, while he sat back down behind his desk. He was a professional and if his boss had decided to test him today, then he could prove it to him. 

However, though Sehyoon tried his best, he wasn’t able to focus. He could feel his boss’s eyes burning him and while it was still bearable at first, he eventually was no longer able to ignore the anxiety that was slowly growing in the pit of his stomach. He did his best to look unbothered, as if he didn’t even notice his boss looking but inside his head, he was feverishly trying to find the reason for the other’s unusual behavior. Had he perhaps forgotten to clean his shoes after the rain? No, they were perfectly clean as Mr. Kim wanted them to be. Had his bow not been deep enough? Sehyoon couldn’t believe that. But what else was there? He was certain that he had made sure of everything; that he hadn’t missed a single detail of the long list of things his boss paid attention to, so what else was there? 

No longer able to fight against it, Sehyoon looked up and right into the other’s piercing eyes. There was no anger on his face but that didn’t have to mean anything. His boss was very good at hiding his emotions if he wanted to and he often did just that, losing his face only in very rare occasions. At that thought a blurry memory flashed through Sehyoon’s mind and he quickly looked back down onto his iPad to hide his burning cheeks. _Stay professional!_ He reminded himself, nervously shifting in his seat while he begun to straighten his tie and clothes. If nothing from the list had upset his boss then it usually tended to be Sehyoon’s appearance. 

“Secretary Kim?” He hated that he jumped startled at his boss’s voice. Their rooms were connected by a simple communication system and by now Sehyoon had developed the theory that his boss waited for the exact right moment so that he could use it whenever Sehyoon expected it the least. But he was in no position to get annoyed by that and therefore he just quickly got up and pressed the small button next to the speaker.

“Yes, sir?” 

“Bring my coffee please...Make sure to not mess it up. I had a horrible night...” Like so often Sehyoon bowed his head into his boss’s direction who was still watching him through the window. 

“Of course, sir.” He assured him and then hastily crossed the room, opening the door to a small kitchen. It only ever got used by Sehyoon to prepare different kinds of beverages like coffee or tea but from time to time also whiskey that was well hidden in one of the cupboards. _“In my opinion alcohol at a workplace doesn’t look professional.”_ His boss had explained to him once and because he was a very stubborn man, he hadn’t changed his mind since then.

The obvious heart piece of the kitchen was an espresso machine. It didn’t only look extremely fancy and complicated but after some googling Sehyoon had found out that it got sold in an, for him, unaffordable price range. When he had first started working for Mr. Kim, he hadn’t had any clues as how to make drinkable espresso shots. However, his boss could be a very picky person when it came to his coffee and after experiencing his anger multiple times, Sehyoon had eventually learned how to make an espresso that satisfied the other’s taste. Regardless, at the end of the day, he could never be sure that the machine didn’t fail him which was the reason why the every day routine of pulling espresso shots still got his adrenaline flowing, even after two years of practice.

He opened one of the cupboards, taking out some coffee beans which he measured very carefully, before pouring them into a coffee grinder. Then Sehyoon pressed the button and smiled. Watching them get shredded to ground coffee was weirdly satisfying. 

Once the grind was done, he filled it into the filter on top of the basket and then used the tamp to carefully press down on it with just the right amount of pressure. Getting that right had been a pain in the ass but over the years he had eventually mastered it. Afterwards, Sehyoon placed the filter under the group head and pulled out his phone, silently praying to the gods while he started a timer at the exact same second as he pressed a button, whereupon the espresso machine came to to life with a loud noise.

The hot water ran through the filter, followed by the brown liquid pouring into the small espresso cup but Sehyoon didn’t pay any attention to that. He was entirely focused on the timer, exhaling in relieve when the machine stopped at exactly 27 seconds. Apparently, the gods had listened to his silent prayers. After quickly adding a tiny bit of sugar, he neatly arranged the cup on a saucer and carefully made his way back towards his boss’s office. The latter was deeply absorbed in a couple of documents and when Sehyoon softly knocked against the door, he gestured him to enter without even looking up. 

“You know where to put it.” He said and Sehyoon nodded, though his boss couldn’t see it, before setting the cup down on a table by the window. Outside the rain was still pattering against the glass and the fog of the clouds around them had gotten even heavier. 

“Enjoying the view?” This time Sehyoon didn’t flinch, though the sudden closeness of his boss’s voice had caught him by surprise. He didn’t know how he did it, but the other seemed to be able to move nearly noiselessly and he loved to use this ability to silently show up behind his employees and nearly startle them to death. Sehyoon turned around, the apology for his informal behavior dying on his lips when once again, his boss was eying him with a piercing stare. Sehyoon gulped and then nodded, trying to not show just how intimidated he was really feeling. 

The other was smaller than him but something about his appearance made it clear that one shouldn’t underestimate him just because of his height and doll like features. After all, roses got thorns too. 

“Yea, I like the view too.” His boss agreed, still not taking his eyes off him and Sehyoon suddenly felt too hot in his suit with its thick material. Was the AC broken or why else did it seem as if there was no cooling air stream in this room, different than usual? _Stay professional...Stay professional!_ Luckily, his boss finally decided to sit down in his armchair, where he focused his attention away from Sehyoon towards the espresso. 

“Well, now let’s see if you did a good job.” He announced, gracefully raising the cup to his lips, before taking a sip from it with closed eyes. Sehyoon really shouldn’t have paid so much attention to the way his plump lips opened and closed themselves around the coffee, or how his Adam’s apple moved when he swallowed it, but he simply couldn’t help himself now that he wasn’t the center of his boss’s focus for once. The latter let out a satisfied groan which sent a shudder down Sehyoon’s spine. 

“Perfect...Just as I expected it from you.” Mr. Kim complimented him, flashing him the first smile of the day and it was as if the sun had finally appeared behind the dark clouds. For a moment, Sehyoon felt all burdens drop from his shoulders and without being able to stop himself, he returned the smile. 

“I think you should know that you just saved my day, Sehyoon.” 

Sehyoon’s eyes widened in surprise. He hadn’t expected him to use his normal name and it needed all of his body control to not reflexively look around to check if anyone had heard him. Not that it would matter...His boss was the one making the rules, not the one following them. The smile on the other’s face grew even brighter, seeing how Sehyoon shifted uncomfortably in front if him while he took another last sip from his espresso and then handed him the cup on the saucer. Sehyoon took it, thanking his years of practice for the fact that his hands were steady and calm, even though his inside was a complete chaos. 

“Don’t worry... Today there will be no rules getting broken. You are dismissed.” As always Sehyoon bowed, before turning around to leave. He needed to get away from the other so that he was able to clear his mind and do his job properly as he was supposed to. However, he had just laid his hand onto the door handle, when his boss called his name and he quickly turned back around, 

“Yes, sir?” Mr. Kim sat back down behind his desk, before pointing towards Sehyoon’s own desk that was clearly visible through the window. 

“Don’t forget to send me my schedule once you are back at your place.” Sehyoon nodded and bowed, again. He just wanted to turn around when,

“Sehyoon?” If he wouldn’t have been so tense and the other wouldn’t have been his boss, Sehyoon would have definitely sighed in annoyance. 

“Yes, sir? Can I do something else for you, sir?” He asked instead, a polite smile on his lips. A smirk appeared on his boss’s face that seemed to turn his legs into jelly and Sehyoon was grateful that there was too much space between them for the other to notice how he clenched his hands. 

“Your hair is too long... You know the rules.” The comment hit him right into the stomach, where he could feel his anxiety return with full force. His hair...His stupid hair had grown too long. Sehyoon had known that he had been stretching it but he simply had been too busy to find the time to get it cut. That explained why his boss had stared at him like that; his mistake really had been his appearance. He opened his mouth, searching for the right words to explain himself and apologized but his boss was faster,

“Be glad that it looks so good on you. Keep it.” Sehyoon stared at the other in astonishment, it taking him several seconds before he was able to answer while a light blush crept up his neck,

“Thank you...sir.” But his boss was already absorbed in his documents again. 

* * *

“...so join KBKTV and become a part of the future!” 

Sehyoon watched from the side of the small stage how Mr. Kim finished his speech, smiling at his audience mainly consisting of young university students who erupted into loud cheers and applause. One thing he admired the most about his boss was the way he seemed to be able to wrap everyone around his finger. There was no one who didn’t fall for his charms, not even Sehyoon himself, and that was probably what had made his company shoot up in popularity so fast. For some seconds, he allowed himself to drift off and daydream about how different his life would have developed if he hadn’t taken on this job as a secretary. Much more ordinary for sure...But would he have been happier? Probably not...Though there were doubts gnawing at him...

However, before he was able to completely drown in his thoughts, his boss finished his goodbyes and made his way towards Sehyoon who quickly corrected his posture by standing up straighter. 

“Well done, sir.” He complimented Mr. Kim once he reached him and the other flashed him a smile, taking a water bottle from one of the staff members. 

“Thank you, Sehyoon. As always I appreciate your nice words the most.” Sehyoon nodded, trying his very best to ignore the tingling in his stomach and stay composed instead of doing anything stupid. They left the performance hall and headed into the direction of the garage, all the people they met bowing deeply in front of their CEO. While walking, Sehyoon made sure at all times to be close to his boss but never right next to him. Another gesture of respect towards the other; he was the one leading them and nobody else would ever be on the same level. 

They had just entered a small staircase leading to his boss’s private garage, when the latter suddenly turned around and looked at him with a thoughtful expression, whereupon Sehyoon got forced to stop too. 

“Let’s have dinner together later.” His boss announced, before continuing on his way. Sehyoon hurried after him, a chaos of emotions rushing through his head. He had promised his friends weeks ago that he would be free to see them this evening and ditching them so suddenly felt like a a horrible betrayal. 

“I’m sorry, but I’m already meeting my friends for dinner so...” But Sehyoon should have known better than to try and refuse his boss’s wishes. He had given up on that power a long time ago and the other proved it to him once again, by leaning closer until Sehyoon could feel his breath against his ear.

“Believe me; you don’t want to miss this. I planned something very special.” His low voice made goosebumps crawl up Sehyoon’s neck, his breathing faltered and he shuddered slightly while the other leaned back with a satisfied smirk. He knew exactly what kind of effect he had on Sehyoon and used it shamelessly whenever he wanted to get his way. The worst part was that it actually worked. That fact must have also been showing on his face because his boss’s smirk grew into an excited grin. 

“Driver Choi will drive me home, so you are dismissed for today. I’ll pick you up at exactly 6 o’clock and don’t forget to wear something pretty. Maybe the new jeans I got you last week? They emphasize your ass and tights so nicely.” Sehyoon only nodded, watching how Byeongkwan winked at him suggestively, before he disappeared into the garage. 

Only after he was gone, did he really realize in what kind of situation he had gotten himself once again. 

“Shit...” His friends would kill him for sure...


	2. Stargazing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) hi

“What do you mean you cannot make it today?!” Junhee’s voice was so full of disbelief that it turned into something like a shrill squeak which made Sehyoon’s ear ring painfully and he quickly tore the phone away from his head. Getting lectured by his best friend was never an enjoyable experience but today he had to admit that he deserved every bit of it. He was acting like a bad friend...a very bad friend who had chosen his boss over his friends...again. 

“I’m sorry...something came up. It’s my boss; he has somewhere to go and he wants me to accompany him...” There was silence on the other side of the phone, before he could hear Junhee huff loudly. 

“You’ve always been a terrible liar, Yoon...” Sehyoon didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry. What his friend said was true; he was indeed a horrific liar and apparently horrific enough that he even made the truth sound like a lie too. Not that that changed much about the situation and Sehyoon leaving his friends hanging... _again_. 

“I thought we all decided a long time ago that friends are more important than—“ But Junhee wasn’t able to end his sentence because Donghun interrupted him from somewhere further away, his voice sounding a bit quieter than Junhee’s but still loud enough for Sehyoon to clearly hear it through the speaker,

“Just let him be, Junhee! You should be congratulating him; he is finally getting dick again! You would have ditched us too, for sure.” 

“No! I wouldn’t!” Junhee argued back while Sehyoon gulped, not listening to the argument that erupted between his friends while his mind turned into chaos. How had they found out? How could they know even though he had tried everything to keep it a secret? 

“Guys...I don’t know what you are talking about...I’m gonna be working...” This time Junhee didn’t huff but full on laughed at him. 

“Thats literally the most overused excuse ever. I wouldn’t have believed you even if your voice didn’t always turn five octaves higher when you are lying.” 

“I’m not gonna get laid!” Sehyoon whined, secretly begging them to believe him. Not that they ever would. No, instead they would bombard him with questions the next time he saw them. 

“Yea yea... Enjoy your _dinner_ , Sehyoon… I apparently was the only one looking forward to our gathering anyway…” Junhee’s voice was dripping in suggestiveness paired with a sulky undertone, followed by Donghun helpfully adding,

“Get that dick and make us proud!”, before the connection got cut off. Sehyoon stared at his phone for a couple more seconds, trying to think of how to convince his friends of his entirely pure and innocent soul the next time he saw them, until his eyes fell on the time and he gasped horrified. He only got seven minutes left till his boss would show up and all he had done so far was taking a shower. 

In panicked hurry, he ran through his apartment; putting on some light make up and attempting to style his hair, before he eventually found himself in front of his closet with only 3 more minutes to spare. Just as his boss had told him, he fished out the pair of black jeans which’s price probably topped all of his other clothes and took him most of his leftover time to put on. However, when he looked at himself in the mirror, he had to admit that his boss had been right; his ass and thighs did look good in them, especially because the material sticked to him like a second layer of skin. These jeans were damn tight. 

After some rummaging through his closet and thanks to his little time left, Sehyoon eventually decided to go with a simple white t-shirt with a black print on it for his upper half, just being in the process of tucking it into his jeans, when the doorbell signalized his boss’s arrival. Hastily, he grabbed his phone and keys as well as a light jacket, before heading outside, where his boss was already waiting for him, leaning against a wicked expensively looking car. It was on the more sportive side and Sehyoon could swear that a toddler would probably be taller than the height of its front. Apart from that he had no clue which of his boss’s treasured vehicles he was about to ride in. His knowledge about cars was very limited. He usually relaid on google. 

“Hello, beautiful.” His boss greeted Sehyoon, like so often smirking at him which always seemed to end up in his legs going all wobbly. “You look good. I especially like your jeans. Whoever has bought them must love your thighs a lot.” Sehyoon felt his face turning hot and he smiled bashfully, before leaning down to press a hungry kiss against the other’s lips. Hiss boss — well, Byeongkwan, now that they weren’t at work— returned it not any less passionate, his hands wandering up his chest while Sehyoon gently cupped his cheeks. 

“I’ve waited for this the entire day.” He admitted, once they broke away from each other to catch their breaths only for Byeongkwan to pull him in for a second kiss.

“Me too.” He whispered, his plump lips spreading into yet another smirk. “You ready to go?” Sehyoon nodded and Byeongkwan let go of him to press a button on his key, whereupon the car doors opened themselves so that it ended up looking more like a tiny plane than a car. It wasn’t the first time that Sehyoon had seen a car do something like this but he still couldn’t help but stare in amazement which for some reason lead Byeongkwan to poke his cheek with an amused expression. 

“Stop being so cute or we won’t even make it out of your street and your neighbors will see thinks they will never forget. Can you afford moving apartments at the moment?” The air seemed to get even hotter and Sehyoon quickly shook his head, before he scrambled into the passenger seat. If one wasn’t entirely okay with bearing the consequences then one should never test whether Byeongkwan was joking or not, because in most cases, he wasn’t. However, his shyness was quickly forgotten when the other sat down next to him and flashed him a smile that made the butterflies in Sehyoon’s stomach go wild. 

“I can’t wait to show you my surprise.” Byeongkwan said and shortly after, they shot down the street, passing through Sehyoon’s neighborhood and the city until they had left behind all the bright lights and made their way towards the mountains. Sehyoon couldn’t help but throw Byeongkwan a partly confused partly curious glance but the only answer he got was a bright grin. 

“Are you trying to get rid of me now? Did I find out too many company secrets or something?” Sehyoon’s joke turned the grin into a laugher and he looked at Byeongkwan in awe. There was probably nothing more beautiful than seeing him laugh widely enough that his teeth were showing. Happy and carefree. Not even his expression when he was falling apart under Sehyoon’s hands could top that, though it came very close. It was probably a good thing that Byeongkwan wasn’t able to read his thoughts and realize just how whipped Sehyoon actually was for him. He wasn’t sure how he would react otherwise. 

While he was completely absorbed in quietly admiring him, Byeongkwan had calmed down enough to speak again, 

“No. I like you way too much to get rid of you and I know that I can trust and rely on you more than anyone else. Besides, there are better ways to let someone disappear if necessary.” Byeongkwan grinned and Sehyoon forced himself to return it. A joke...Byeongkwan loved to make jokes, only that he didn’t. Sehyoon should know, because he knew him better than anyone else.

* * *

Luckily, he didn’t have much time for dark and paranoid thoughts. The sun had just started setting, when Byeongkwan suddenly left the street and followed something like a trail — if one could even call it that — which was definitely not the kind of terrain such an expensive car was supposed to drive in. Still, they somehow managed to not break down in the middle of the nothingness and Sehyoon was more than grateful when they stopped without any of the many horror scenarios occurring that he had already pictured in his head. 

“Here we are.” Beyongkwan announced and Sehyoon frowned confused. When the other had told him to wear something pretty for a surprise, he had imagined they would go and eat in an expensive restaurant like they had done it a couple of times by now, or at least go somewhere where Byeongkwan was actually able to see him. Not that they would be doing...well, whatever they were supposed to be doing here, in the nothingness, surrounded by complete darkness. Still frowning he turned around. No backseats...So probably no car sex either. 

“Kwan, what exactly are we doing—“ But before Sehyoon could finish his question, something suddenly got wrapped around his head and eyes, turning him temporarily blind. For a second there was panic rushing through him while he thought back to Byeongkwan implying that he apparently knew all kinds of ways to get rid of people if he needed to. Was it now time for Sehyoon after all? Had his stupid joke turned into cruel reality? 

“Kwannie...? What the hell, Byeongkwan!” No answer, followed by more panic. “Mr. Kim, what—“ he tried again but suddenly soft lips pressed against his, successfully shutting him up and calming his racing heart, only for it to continue beating in double the former speed a moment later. 

“Pssst pssst” Byeongkwan hushed him. Sehyoon could feel his breath close to his ear and like always he shuddered, before the other started to plant kisses from his ear down to his throat and neck. Sehyoon’s breath faltered only to continue unevenly and he couldn’t suppress the soft moan that escaped his lips, when Byeongkwan begun taking special care of that one spot of which he knew that it would drive Sehyoon crazy. All blood seemed to shoot right down into his lap and when Byeongkwan stopped kissing him as suddenly as he had started, he whined quietly. 

“Stop that...” The other ordered him, his breathing sounding irregular. “You make me wanting to keep going until you scream my name but I can’t do that right now. Your surprise can’t wait so it’s you who has to wait a bit longer.” Sehyoon would have loved to argue with Byeongkwan on this matter, because what kind of surprise could be better than this? However, he knew the other’s stubbornness very well and therefore he leaned back, waiting patiently for Byeongkwan to open the door and then walk around the car to get him.

“Don’t look!” He warned, while helping him to carefully get out of the vehicle, followed by him leading Sehyoon over uneven ground. He had no idea what was about to happen. Since he had gotten deprived of his eyesight, the only senses he could rely on were the soft but firm touch of Byeongkwan’s hand on his arm, the sound of crickets anc the warm night air that was playing with his hair and smelling of nature. Sehyoon didn’t really know how far they had walked - he was extremely slow and stumbling more than actually walking - before Byeongkwan finally stopped and started fiddling with the cloth around his head. 

“Close your eyes!” He ordered and Sehyoon did, not wanting to deaden the other’s excitement. The blindfold disappeared and so did Byeongkwan’s hands, only to return some seconds later, taking Sehyoon’s. 

“Okay, you can look now.” He announced and when Sehyoon’s eyes had gotten used to the new lighting conditions, he gasped in surprise. He had no idea how Byeongkwan had done it or how much money it costed him, but they were standing on a plateau with an amazing view of the light up city in the distance, a table surrounded by fairy lights and fully set right in front of them. Two waiters stood close by, too, next to a small tent which served as an improvised kitchen. Sehyoon observed everything with wide eyes, before turning to Byeongkwan who was beaming at him, his smile shining brighter than all the fairy lights combined. 

“Do you like it?” He wanted to know but Sehyoon was still too overwhelmed to give a more detailed reply than a dazed nod. This really wasn’t what he had expected from the other. This was extremely sweet and romantic, exactly the kind of thing Sehyoon had always secretly dreamed of, but it wasn’t something Byeongkwan had seemed to be into. For a second, he thought about, if he might be able to read his mind after all but then quickly brushed that idea away again. What a stupid thought. It nearly made him laugh. 

“I really love it, Kwannie...It’s...I always imagined something like this.” Despite there being a cooling breeze, he could feel his cheeks turning hot at his confession but Byeongkwan’s smile grew even wider and he pulled him towards the table.

“Let’s eat! I’m hungry and the food is getting cold.”

If someone asked Sehyoon what he ate that evening, he would have no answer except that the food tasted phenomenal. That was all he noticed but otherwise he was entirely focused on Byeongkwan. His face when he was smiling, his brows furrowing when he tried to remember a detail of a story he was telling, the way his lips closed around the food or how he swallowed it down afterwards. Sehyoon took everything in hungrily, enjoying that he was allowed to stare as much as he wanted outside of work. 

“Great view, huh?” Byeongkwan asked, the last spoon of dessert disappearing in his mouth. Sehyoon wasn’t sure if he was referring to their conversation this morning on purpose but he nodded without taking his eyes of him. 

“Most beautiful view in the entire world.” Byeongkwan smiled, it nearly looking bashfully, before he gestured towards the night sky. 

“It’s dark enough to see the stars here, that’s why I chose this place actually. Romantic, no?” Reluctantly Sehyoon unlocked his gaze from Byeongkwan and looked upwards instead. He hadn’t paid any attention to the stars so far but he did have to admit that they looked incredibly breathtaking. One wasn’t able to see them in the city and he didn’t get to travel that much. 

“Wow...” Sehyoon gasped, “do you know any names?” 

“Mmmh...” Byeongkwan seemed to think about it, before he pointed at a bright star towards their left. “This is the evening star.” He explained and Sehyoon gave him an impressed glance. 

“Really?” 

“No, silly” Byeongkwan started laughing, “or maybe yes, I don’t know shit about stars, to be honest. But they look pretty so...” They kept watching the stars for a while, commenting on some formations that reminded them of animals or weird fantasy creatures until Sehyoon felt Byeongkwan take his hand and he looked at the other who was already staring at him with an unreadable expression. 

“Why did you look so...weirded out earlier?” He asked, the question catching Sehyoon off guard. He had thought that by now it was pretty clear just how much he loved this date but apparently Byeongkwan still got doubts.

“To be honest...I didn’t expect this...” The other frowned.

“What did you expect then?” Sehyoon shrugged, feeling himself blush. 

“I don’t know...Car sex?” Byeongkwan blinked at him for a second and then exploded with laughter. Sehyoon didn’t know why but he suddenly felt stupid, smiling bashfully while the other slowly calmed down again. 

“Well that’s a nice idea too...” He eventually got out and winked at Sehyoon. “I’ll definitely remember it for next time.” Silence fell over them, while they simply looked into each others eyes, Sehyoon gently rubbing his thumb over Byeongkwan’s knuckles. He loved moments like this; them just being close to each other without having to be scared to get disturbed or seen. It was nice and made him forget what was always on the back of his mind otherwise; that Byeongkwan was his boss and he merely a secretary who would never be able to give the other the connections he needed nor anything else he deserved. What was there that he could give Byeongkwan? Love? Did he care about something like love? 

Byeongkwan’s eyes wandered down to Sehyoon’s lips, a hungry expression on his face, and his breath immediately turned uneven. This was simply the effect the other had on him. Always. 

“We are done eating so you are dismissed. We’ll call if we need anything.” Sehyoon had already forgotten about the two waiters who had stood in front of the kitchen-tent and now bowed deeply, before quickly heading into the darkness. Sehyoon looked after them in confusion. 

“Where are they going? Do they have to walk the entire way?” Byeongkwan chuckled amused. 

“They brought a car, of course. They will wait there so that we can have some privacy.” He smirked and Sehyoon felt his heart speeding up in excitement at the thought of finally being alone with him. His body had been aching to touch Byeongkwan for the entire day and holding hands or sharing a couple of kisses really hadn’t been enough to satisfy him. He had eaten an entire five course meal and yet, he was still starving. 

“Byeongkwan?” 

“Mmmh?” But Sehyoon’s only answer consisted of leaning over the table and pressing his lips against the other’s. Byeongkwan seemed surprised for a second but then returned the kiss eagerly, grabbing the collar of his shirt to pull him even closer without caring that some of the silverware and a glass fell to the ground. 

“I’ll pay for them later.” He simply said, shutting Sehyoon up with another hungry kiss who had been about to apologize. 

He didn’t know for how long they were kissing, only taking small breaks to gasp for air now and then, but somehow Byeongkwan found his way onto Sehyoon’s lap, moaning loudly when the latter placed open mouthed kisses down his jawline and throat. Sehyoon loved to watch how Byeongkwan’s pale skin immediately turned red wherever he sucked on it or how needy he acted; thrusting his hips upwards in desperate search for friction. Moments like these seemed to be the only ones when Byeongkwan allowed Sehyoon to be in control instead of the other way round and it felt entrusting and amazing. 

“Yoon...” He whined, his fingers pressing into his scalp and waist. “I need more.” Sehyoon immediately stopped, looking into Byeongkwan’s half lidded eyes. 

“Let me take care of you then.” The other returned his gaze with an open vulnerability that Sehyoon only ever got to see on very rare occasions He could probably count those on his fingers. Then Byeongkwan nodded, letting out a surprised scream, when Sehyoon suddenly scooped him up and carried him away from the table and towards the car, silently thanking his irregular workout sessions for the muscles he had built up. 

“What are you doing?” Byeongkwan wanted to know, but his eyes quickly light up in realization when Sehyoon lowered him onto the front of the car. He chuckled softly. “I really corrupted you, huh?” Sehyoon only grinned wickedly and nodded, before he pulled down the other’s pants and buried his head in his lap. 

Honestly, it was kind of sad that they were too far away from civilization for anyone to hear Byeongkwan’s whiny screams. Sehyoon did, though, and the two waiters probably did, too, and that thought only encouraged him even more. He also didn’t mind Byeongkwan’s hands in his hair, pulling it until his scalp was burning and not much later dragging him back up to connect their lips, still panting heavily. 

“Do I have any appointments tomorrow morning?” He asked and it took Sehyoon’s brain a bit to process his question. Luckily, he was a professional who could recite his boss’s schedule even in his sleep. 

“Only office work. No official schedule until 11 am. You wanted to look at the stage for the new music show.” He rattled off and Byeongkwan nodded, still looking dazed. Though they were no longer kissing, they had stayed close to each other, their foreheads pressed together so that they could feel each other’s heavy breaths against their lips. 

“Okay, that’s good. Come home with me today and we’ll stop by at your apartment on the way, when we are driving to the appointment together tomorrow.” Byeongkwan didn’t even phrase it as a question, knowing very well that Sehyoon would say yes anyway and the latter confirmed it by leaning in for another kiss. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhm...cute? :) rip
> 
> Scream with me on Twitter: @babbl1ng


	3. Spotlight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long chap uwu enjoy~

Sehyoon got woken by soft sunlight and hair tickling his chin. He frowned confused, his brain working on processing his memories while he slowly blinked into the morning light. 

Snuggled against his chest slept Byeongkwan, his hair sticking out into every direction and his breathing sounding even and calm. Sehyoon looked down at him, feeling a wave of adoration washing over him. It was rare to see Byeongkwan looking so peaceful and for a moment he considered overthinking his ranking list of his favorite Byeongkwan expressions. This made his mind wander off to the memories of last night and with the sound of the other’s moans still resonating in his head, it suddenly felt a bit too hot this close to Byeongkwan. However, instead of getting space between them, Sehyoon wrapped his arms around his body which seemed much smaller when he was asleep and pulled him even closer, snuggling his nose against the crook of his neck. He took a deep breath, ignoring the nagging feeling that he was acting creepy while he closed his eyes and enjoyed having Byeongkwan this close to him so that he was able to smell his unaltered scent. Until he had met the other, Sehyoon had never understood just how powerful the individual scent of a person could be. Now, he would smell his bedsheets when Byeongkwan was long gone, trying to catch some of the scent which made the butterflies in his stomach go crazy. 

Somehow, Sehyoon managed to doze off again, not knowing for how long he was sleeping until fingers in his hair slowly roused him. 

“Good morning, beautiful.” Byeongkwan murmured, followed by him pressing a kiss against his forehead. Sehyoon’s eyes fluttered open and he looked up at the other with a small, sleepy smile. 

“Morning” He croaked, his voice still hoarse. “How late is it?”

“Early enough for us to not having to leave this bed for another hour.” Byeongkwan answered vaguely before he let one of his hands wander from Sehyoon’s hair, down to his cheek and then further onto his bare chest. He shuddered, feeling goosebumps appearing wherever Byeongkwan touched him. 

“You know...I thought about it” The latter whispered right into Sehyoon’s ear whose breathing stopped for a second, “and I think I still got a favor to return...” Byeongkwan sat up and then placed himself on top of Sehyoon. Soon openmouthed kisses were following Byeongkwan’s hands down his body while all blood seemed to shoot right into his lap. However, shortly before Byeongkwan was about to touch him where he needed it the most, he looked up and gave him an evil smirk. 

“Do you promise to work hard today?” Sehyoon was so lost in his haze of pleasure that it took him a while to comprehend the other’s words. 

“Huh?” Byeongkwan finally touched him and for a moment all thoughts were obliterated from his mind. 

“The answer should be yes, sir.” He rectified him, clearly enjoying watching Sehyoon squirm under his touch. “So, let me ask again, will you be working hard later?” Sehyoon gulped, trying to grasp a clear thought in his otherwise fuzzy mind. 

“Yes...I will…sir.” He somehow managed to get out between his gasps and he earned a satisfied smile from Byeongkwan. 

“Well then you deserve a small reward, don’t you think so?” Sehyoon nodded eagerly, his body exploding in bliss when the other finally lowered his head and wrapped his lips around him. 

* * *

Sehyoon watched Byeongkwan talk to the concert hall’s manager while walking around the huge light up stage, feeling a bit too satisfied about the way the other’s posture was stiffer than usual. Sehyoon himself had spent most of the short time in his apartment attempting to cover up the countless hickeys that were scattered all over his body and throat but Byeongkwan seemed to wear the one who was showing over his collar with pride. It wasn’t even that Sehyoon was embarrassed about having a sex life, but more so he was merely a secretary and people would talk for sure if he showed up in the office with similar marks as their CEO on the same day. 

“Hello? Earth to Sehyoon? I don’t think your boss will suddenly disappear just because you take your eyes off him for a second...” 

“Huh?” Sehyoon blinked confused and then turned to Yuchan who was looking at him with an amused expression.

“I was talking to you for like five minutes until I realized that you aren’t even listening.” He sighed, putting on an overly hurt expression. 

“Sorry...I was just...thinking...” Sehyoon mumbled. Yea, thinking about the night he had spent with his boss. 

“Well, I just told you, how amazing it is that we are practically colleagues now! It’s so cool that you will be renting our concert hall!” Yuchan’s excitement made Sehyoon smile in amusement. It was hard not to have a soft spot for his friend. 

“We won’t be actual colleagues. I’m just a secretary, I won’t be working on the project. I might show up once or twice with By—Mr. Kim to check up on the preparations but that is all.” He silently cursed himself for nearly having let slipped out Byeongkwan’s name, blaming his tiredness for such a foolish mistake but fortunately Yuchan didn’t seem to have noticed anything. He was still too busy gushing over the future project. 

“Yea but we’ll be working for the same company, right? Ah, it’s gonna be so exciting! Usually there isn’t much to do for me but for performance stuff I always get to play a bit with all the buttons.” Yuchan wiggled his eyebrows and Sehyoon couldn’t help but laugh while shaking his head in amusement. 

“I believe it’s gonna be great Channie.” He said and then let his gaze wander back towards Byeongkwan. To his surprise the latter was also looking at them, his face too far away for Sehyoon to be able to read his expression but his smile immediately disappeared from his face. This was work, not some kind of friend’s gathering. 

“Your boss is really impressive by the way...” Yuchan’s voice had taken on an admiring tone now and Sehyoon couldn’t help but feel a bit of pride bloom in his chest while they both watched their bosses discuss filming details in the distance. “I mean I’ve seen him on pictures but his eyes are so much more intense in real life. It’s like...like...”

“He’s looking right into your soul and reading all your darkest secrets?” Sehyoon finished his sentence, knowing the feeling only too well and from the corner of his eye he saw how Yuchan nodded. 

“Exactly! He appears to be hard working too; driving all the way here only to look at a stage for a TV show. He has so many, he must be hella busy. I can see why his channel became popular so quickly, though he is still so young.” The pride in Sehyoon’s chest grew even bigger and a fond smile spread on his lips. 

“Yea he is amazing.” They went silent for a while, the only noises being the faint voices of Byeongkwan and the manager. 

“Oh, before I forget it!” Yuchan suddenly exclaimed, too loud so that probably even their bosses must have heard it. Sehyoon froze and then put a finger against his lips to signalize him to lower his volume. 

“This is work, Yuchan. You have to be quiet.” The other gave him a guilty glance. 

“Sorry...” he apologized, now whispering. “It’s just...Junhee told me to tell you that we moved dinner to next Saturday and that you should think about getting new friends if you won’t show up this time. Oh, he also said you are allowed bring your boyfriend.” Sehyoon stiffened. Boyfriend...Were Byeongkwan and him boyfriends? The other had never said something like that and Sehyoon didn’t dare to ask him about it either. He felt like he wasn’t in a position to decide on this matter. But what else did one call their relationship? Work-fuck-buddies that went on dates together? 

“How many times...I don’t have a boyfriend...” Sehyoon muttered, his mood suddenly dropping and Yuchan shrugged. 

“You don’t have to bring him. Just make sure you show up.” Sehyoon was slowly giving up on the attempt to convince his friends.

“I will.” 

“Secretary Kim?” Byeongkwan’s voice reminded him of the fact that they were still at work and his head snapped back up.

“Yes, sir?” 

“It’s time to leave.” His boss walked towards the exit, not waiting for Sehyoon who quickly bowed towards Yuchan and the manager, before hurrying after him. 

The drive to the KBKTV tower was mainly silent. Byeongkwan seemed to be in deep thoughts, now and then throwing him unreadable glances while Sehyoon tried his best to focus all his attention on the street and traffic. Something was bothering his boss and he got the worryingly impression that it was because of him. They had nearly reached the tower, when Sehyoon couldn’t take the silence any longer and he carefully cleared his throat. 

“Byeongkwan...” He decided to use the other’s real name since it was only the two of them, for what he earned a sharp look. 

“It’s Mr. Kim for you at work...We might have an intimate relationship outside of the office but that doesn’t allow you to just break the rules whenever you want…” Sehyoon nervously bit on his lower lip. Now he was convinced that there was really something upsetting the other and, apart from the fact that a bad-tempered Mr. Kim was extremely challenging to handle, there was an urge unrelated to work inside Sehyoon that made him want to always see Byeongkwan being happy. 

“What is it? What’s bothering you? Let me help you.” By now they had entered the other’s private garage and Sehyoon carefully parked the car. When he turned off the engine, Byeongkwan still hadn’t answered so he turned around and hesitantly stretched out his hand to place it on the other’s clenched fist on his upper leg. “You said it yourself, you can trust me.” Byeongkwan took a deep breath and furrowed his eyebrows, apparently thinking about his offer, before he looked directly into Sehyoon’s eyes.

“Who was the guy you were talking to earlier? The one that made you laugh so much...” A surprised chuckle escaped Sehyoon’s mouth for which he immediately earned a slap onto his arm. 

“What is there to laugh about?” Byeongkwan wanted to know harshly and Sehyoon clenched his jaw to make sure not another sound of amusement would follow the first. He didn’t know what he had expected to be the reason for his boss’s bad mood but jealously definitely hadn’t been on the list. 

“Kwannie...You’re the only guy I’m seeing, I promise.” The reply he got consisted of a huff, followed by Byeongkwan pulling his hand away. 

“I told you to call me Sir or Mr. Kim! Besides, I never asked that! I just wanted to know who you were talking to because you two seemed close, that’s all.” Sehyoon nodded, still suppressing a grin. Knowing that Byeongkwan cared enough about him to get jealous was another weirdly satisfying discovery. Still, he decided to not push the topic any further since teasing and angering Byeongkwan was never a good idea, especially at work.

“That was one of my best friends; Kang Yuchan. He works as a lighting engineer for the performance hall. I told you about him before; he is the kid I met when I locked myself out of my dorm that one time back in university.” His explanation made Byeongkwan’s face light up and his body seemed to relax. Apparently, he could still remember that story.

“Ohh...The one who lives with his grandmother?” Sehyoon nodded eagerly, excited that the other had really listened to his hours of rambling about his friends on their first date. Not his proudest moment but he had been a nervous wreck back then.

“He is super excited that you will be filming at his workplace. Apparently, they mainly host classical music concerts and the stage lighting for that is boring. His words.” Byeongkwan smiled while he laughed, his hand returning to Sehyoon’s. 

“You care about him a lot, huh?” Again, he nodded. 

“Yea, he is like a little brother for me. I’m really glad you are giving him such an opportunity, though it’s only a coincidence.” Byeongkwan’s smile grew bigger and like so often the butterflies in Sehyoon’s stomach begun dancing wildly. 

“Well, perhaps if I like his work for the show, I’ll invite him to try out for KBKTV. What do you think?” Gratefulness; there was so much gratefulness rushing through his body. He couldn’t wait to tell Yuchan about this news. 

“I could kiss you right now.” 

“Nobody is here, so what’s stopping you? Kiss me.” And Sehyoon did, leaning in to press his lips against Byeongkwan’s and though his position – squeezed between the two front seats – was awkward and uncomfortable, he enjoyed every second of it. Sadly, it ended much too quickly, their kiss getting interrupted by Byeongkwan’s phone vibrating which reminded them of the fact that there was work to get done. 

“Can I see you later?” Sehyoon asked, unwillingly opening the car door. Byeongkwan shook his head, a focused expression on his face while he was staring at his phone. 

“I can’t, sorry.” He typed away, relying entirely on Sehyoon to guide him and make sure he wasn’t walking straight into a wall. “What about Saturday, though? I have a schedule but I might be able to cancel it.” Finally, he looked up to meet Sehyoon’s eyes with in question raised eyebrows. Saturday...Anxiety gathered in the pit of his stomach, replacing the former butterflies and turning the nice tingling into nausea. 

“I’m...I’m busy on Saturday actually.” He admitted, nervously chewing on his lower lip. “My friends wanted to meet and I ditched them a hundred times by now so I really have to show up this time.” 

“Ah...” Byeongkwan looked sincerely disappointed, even a small pout appearing on his face, and the next words burst out of Sehyoon before he was able to stop himself, 

“They said I can bring my boyfriend, though.” The silence that followed was short but uncomfortable. 

“Boyfriend?” Byeongkwan blinked at him in surprise. Meanwhile Sehyoon wanted nothing more than to disappear into a black hole. Why couldn’t he just have stayed silent? Or at least chosen a better phrasing? However, before he could start to apologize for his stupidity, the other cocked his head and gave him a playful smile. 

“So, is that what I am? Your boyfriend?” Sehyoon’s face turned hot and he gratefully took the opportunity of pressing the button for Byeongkwan’s private elevator to hide it. 

“I...It was Yuchan’s phrasing! I— I don’t know...? What are we?” There it was; the question he had asked himself for nearly six months now. Six months of them secretly going on dates, having sex and sleeping over at each other’s apartments without ever putting a label on their relationship. Byeongkwan looked at him for some more seconds, his expression somehow amused but also unreadable at the same time, before the elevator arrived and he turned to get in. 

“Have fun on Saturday, Sehyoon.” He said and the other knew that he would not get an answer to his question any time soon.

* * *

“Sehyoon is that really you?” Junhee’s voice cut through the noises of the restaurant as if he was using a megaphone and Sehyoon considered just turning back around to leave again. However, his friend was faster, pulling him into a bone crushing hug and then dragging him towards a table in the back with a bright grin. “I haven’t seen you in such a long time that I nearly forgot how your handsome face looks like!” The smile on Sehyoon’s face was full of guilt.

“Yea sorry about that...work is a lot at the moment.” He didn’t meet Junhee’s eyes, knowing too well how beautiful they were; shining bright and full of happiness but also suspicion.

“We told you that you can stop lying about that now.” Donghun threw in, lazily waving at Sehyoon from his spot at the table next to Yuchan. Meanwhile, the latter looked a bit disappointed. 

“So, you really didn’t bring him...” Sehyoon sighed. He sat down, resisting the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose.

“How many times...Just how many times until you will finally accept that—“ His friend’s surprised, wide eyes and the soft lips that pressed against his cheek were what shut him up in the middle of his sentence. 

“Hey, babe.” A very familiar voice murmured into his ear and Sehyoon turned around, staring at Byeongkwan in astonishment. 

“Kwan...Mr. Kim...I mean...What are you doing here?” 

“Wait...You are dating your boss?” As soon as the exclamation had left Yuchan’s mouth, he slapped a hand in front of his lips, staring at the couple with wide eyes. “Sorry...” Byeongkwan only chuckled, before he bowed slightly. Sehyoon was sure that he was dreaming. Never before had he seen Byeongkwan bow in front of anyone. 

“You can call me Byeongkwan. Mr. Kim is a bit too formal, don’t you think so, Yooni?” He sat down so close next to Sehyoon that their legs were pressing against each other, followed by him wrapping an arm around his waist as if it was the most normal thing in the entire world. As if Sehyoon hadn’t spent the last six months trying to keep their relationship a secret in front of everybody because Byeongkwan and explicitly commanded him to do so. His friends were still staring at them with open mouths, too shocked to even introduce themselves. 

“So...You are his boyfriend?” Junhee stated after some minutes of uncomfortable silence, his voice weirdly thin, and to Sehyoon’s surprise, Byeongkwan nodded. 

“Yes...We are boyfriends.” He turned to look at Sehyoon with a small smile and the latter felt his heart speeding up and the butterflies returning which seemed to have been on vacation for the rest of the week. After their last date, they hadn’t been able to see each other in private again so their interactions had been entirely professional and for some reason doubts had grown in Sehyoon like weeds. However, after hearing Byeongkwan call him his boyfriend, they all seemed to just vanish and he gently took his hand into his. 

“I’m sorry, I lied to you but Mr... _Byeongkwan_ is in a very high position and me being his secretary...I was scared it could hurt his image.” Yuchan and Donghun nodded sympathetically but Junhee was still silently eyeing them with knitted eyebrows and crossed arms. 

“Welcome to our group.” Donghun said, “Sehyoon has been so much happier since he met you so I hope you’ll feel comfortable around us.” Byeongkwan smiled his biggest smile, the one he usually used for photo shootings and charity work, and Sehyoon softly squeezed his hand. To others it wasn’t obvious but Byeongkwan didn’t feel as comfortable as he pretended. 

“I really appreciate that.” He replied, “I—“ 

“Do you really own 20 cars like Sehyoon said?” Yuchan apparently hadn’t been able to suppress his curiosity any longer and Sehyoon made a silent note to himself to remind him of his manners the next time they were alone. However, Byeongkwan didn’t seem to mind his interruption too much, pride flashing over his face when he nodded. 

“23 cars to be exact. I just bought a new one yesterday.” That was news even to Sehyoon and he turned to his boyfriend in disbelief. 

“You did what? Your garage is too small! Where are all of them supposed to stay?” He got a shrug as an answer. 

“I’m thinking about buying this really lovely mansion in the mountains. Huge garage and no annoying neighbors.”

“Sounds like a dream...” Donghun sighed enviously and Byeongkwan beamed at him. 

“It does, right?” He turned back to Sehyoon, “I could buy you a new apartment too. You know, a bigger one in a nicer neighborhood.” That topic, again. Sehyoon took a deep breath, relaxing the hand which had clenched into a fist without him even noticing it. 

“Kwan...We talked about it already... I like my apartment and I don’t need you to buy me expensive things.” Sehyoon hated having to discuss this again in front of his friends or the way in which Byeongkwan’s face dropped and his eyes got covered by their usual hardness. 

“I just want to make you happy...” He remarked, whereupon guilt brought back the anxiety in Sehyoon’s stomach. 

“I know...” He reassured him, pulling his stiff body closer, “and you do that by simply being with me.” Slowly Byeongkwan relaxed into his touch and Sehyoon pressed a couple of small kisses against his temple. 

“Uhm...Should we order something to eat?” Donghun asked, looking unsure about how to react towards the sudden tension. Sehyoon nodded, forcing his former cheerfulness to return. 

“Definitely, I’m starving! What about you...baby?” It felt weird to use a pet name like this for Byeongkwan but the latter didn’t seem to mind and Sehyoon’s nausea slowly withdrew. 

“Yea, I’m hungry too. Anything that you can recommend?” This seemed to be the cue for Yuchan to start listing all the amazing menu options the restaurant offered, explaining in detail what were the pros and cons of each other them. Byeongkwan listened attentively and after a while Donghun joined in, retelling a story about Sehyoon throwing up after his friends had dared him to finish two burgers in under 30 minutes. 

“Since then he hates eating burgers.” Donghun concluded his tale, and all of them burst into laughter, though Sehyoon more out of embarrassment. The only person who didn’t seem to have a good time was Junhee, sitting silently in his spot without taking his eyes off Byeongkwan for even a second. Such behavior was utterly out of character for his friend who usually was the hardest to shut up. Perhaps he was feeling unwell? He did look a bit paler than the last time he had seen him.

They had just ordered the food when Byeongkwan’s phone came to life. That wasn’t unusual. He got phone calls, emails and text messages all the time, when they were together but the way his face turned into an unreadable mask was it that told Sehyoon that whatever kind of text he had received, it wasn’t something easy to handle. As if it would help him prevent what was about to happen, Sehyoon wrapped his arms around Byeongkwan, burying his nose in his hair, before pressing a kiss against it, but the other didn’t even really seem to notice his actions. 

“I’m so sorry...” He spoke up, after putting his phone back into his pocket, a regretful expression on his face. “Something important came up at work and I’m needed in person.” 

“Oh...” Yuchan said, sounding as disappointed as Sehyoon felt. 

“That’s too bad.” Donghun added and Byeongkwan gave them both a sad smile before turning to Sehyoon who did his best to not cling to him like a koala. _Stay professional_ , he reminded himself. 

“Should I come with you? I wouldn’t mind...” But the other only shook his head while he untangled himself from him and got up. 

“I don’t want to ruin your evening. Just eat and drink whatever you want; dinner is on me today.” Sehyoon heard his friends gasp surprised but he still wasn’t able to take his eyes off his boyfriend. Why did it feel like there was something that Byeongkwan wasn’t telling him? 

“Can I see you later?” He asked quietly, hating how weak and desperate his voice sounded. So much hope and so much longing...Longing to be with Byeongkwan at every possible second. To touch and hold him and make sure that he was all right instead of hurting. 

“I’ll call you.” He promised, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips before waving and disappearing into the night. Sehyoon stared after him, suddenly feeling weirdly cold and lonely. 

“Damn...I still can’t believe you are shagging your boss.” Donghun commented after a while, apparently having turned back into his normal self again. Politeness was only for people he didn’t know well. “Now tell us, have you two ever done it in the office?” It took Sehyoon a second too long to answer whereupon his friends screamed up loudly.

“I didn’t know you were into that kind of kinky stuff!”

“It was not...” He stopped, realizing there was no way of getting out of this situation again and felt his face growing hot. Distraction; the only thing that could safe him now. 

“So...What do you think of him...?” Yuchan shrugged.

“I mean I don’t know much about him but he seems nice...What I definitely know though is that you are completely whipped for him! Sehni, I’ve never seen you look at any of your boyfriends like that.” Donghun nodded in agreement, a wide grin on his face, before he turned to Junhee. 

“What about you? You’ve been weirdly quiet the entire evening.” His friend shrugged, taking a big sip of his beer. 

“You don’t really want to hear my opinion.” The statement made Sehyoon frown confused. Junhee was acting extremely weird today and it worried him. They had been friends for years; always supported and been happy for each other…Well, mostly at least. So Junhee looking this closed off after having met the person that made Sehyoon happier than anything else in the world, really did make the alarm sirens in his head go off.

“Of course, I care about your opinion, Juni. You are my best friend...” He assured him and carefully took his hand. Junhee looked at it and then Sehyoon’s face, a sigh escaping his lips. 

“If you really want to know my opinion; I think he...I don’t know how to say it…There was something about him that was so...” He hesitated, clearly not sure how to phrase his thoughts, “I don’t know if one can trust him and that worries me.” Sehyoon stared at his friend for a second while his words got processed in his head. What? Byeongkwan, not being trust worthy? It sounded like an insult to Sehyoon and the urge to protect his boyfriend and their relationship as well as his own decision-making, let anger boil up inside of him.

“Are you saying that you think I’ve spent the last six months without getting to know my boyfriend? Do you think we could have built up a relationship like this without trust?” Junhee bit on his lower lip, obviously regretting his honesty. 

“Six months isn’t that much time, Yooni...” Sehyoon snorted without any amusement in it. 

“Tell me, when was the last time that one of your relationships went on for longer than four months! What do you know about relationships, huh?” Hurt flashed over Junhee’s face and for a second Sehyoon wished he could take back his words. However, in the end, the anger inside of him succeeded over the guilt and made it disappear like smoke in the wind. He wanted to pull away his hand but Junhee held onto it, staring at him with pleading eyes. 

“I’m so sorry, Yooni. I didn’t mean it...like that I— I didn’t want to invalidate your relationship! I’m just...worried about you...About him using you...” 

“Stuff like that doesn’t happen to all of us, Junhee!” His words hit his friend like a slap into the face and this time Sehyoon really did feel guilty about them, his anger slowly dying down again and making space for rational thoughts. 

“I’m sorry...I shouldn’t have said that.” He mumbled and Junhee nodded, unshed tears shining in his eyes while he was still holding on tightly to his hand. Next to him, Donghun leaned forward, his hands raised in a gesture of peace.

“Guys...Let’s all calm down again.” Sehyoon took a deep breath, noticing how his friend and Yuchan were sharing glances. Why did they have to make him feel like they, too, knew something he didn’t? 

“I’m sorry...” He apologized again, trying to put as much sincerity into his eyes as possible, before he pulled his hand out of Junhee’s grip, got up and stumbled out of the restaurant. All he wanted to do right now was to see Byeongkwan; to reassure himself that everything between them was fine and the other wasn’t only misusing his trust like Junhee had implied.

Though he knew better, he tried to call Byeongkwan only to find out that he had switched off his phone. Whatever he was doing, it apparently was too important as that he could allow himself to get distracted. Sehyoon silently sent his boyfriend some strength, like so often admiring how hard working he was even this late on a Saturday evening and then decided to drive home. Only when he entered his apartment did he realized that once again, he hadn’t eaten dinner with his friends. 

* * *

The ringing of his phone painfully awoke Sehyoon from his sleep. A glance at the clock told him that it was nearly two in the morning and he asked himself who was calling him this late at night. With a groan he picked up the phone and held it to his ear. 

“Yooni?” Byeongkwan’s voice immediately chased away his sleepiness. “Did I wake you?”

“No, no, I was still watching TV.” He lied. Byeongkwan chuckled softly. 

“Liar...” Sehyoon sat up, a stupid little smile plastered on his face, his tiredness already forgotten. Just how much power did Byeongkwan have over him?

“Did you get home only now?” The other gave a confirming hum. 

“Yea...I know it’s late but I wanted to hear your voice...” Sehyoon’s smile grew even bigger. “How was your friend’s gathering after I left? I hope it didn’t bother you that I showed up unannounced like this but I got some free time after all and wanted to surprise you.” 

“It didn’t bother me at all! It was...It was nice to finally introduce you to my friends...” Even now that Byeongkwan wasn’t physically present, Sehyoon noticed himself blushing and he was glad that the other couldn’t see it. 

“Yes...Your friends seem nice...” He sounded hesitant, before asking his next question, “what did they think about...me... _us_?” 

“Donghun and Yuchan really liked you...” Sehyoon said, not being sure if he should mention Junhee. 

“The other one didn’t.” It was a statement, not a question and Sehyoon sighed. Now, there was no reason to keep it a secret any longer. 

“Junhee is just...careful. We’ve been best friends since our childhood and I watched him getting hurt more than once. He wants the best for me and he said...” he hesitated, “he said you aren’t trustworthy.” Nervously chewing on his lower lip, he waited for Byeongkwan’s reaction. The latter was silent for a second but when he spoke up, there wasn’t any anger in his voice,

“Maybe he is right...maybe you really shouldn’t trust me...” Sehyoon laughed, not really knowing how else to react.

“Sure…Well, I defended you and told him that I trust you, of course.” 

“Like the adorable boyfriend that you are.” Byeongkwan cooed. “Don’t worry too much about your friend. I won’t hold him worrying about his best friend against him.” That relieved Sehyoon. 

“I know you won’t. He’s probably just jealous because I’ve got such a cute boyfriend and he doesn’t.” It felt great to finally call the other his own.

“I can’t wait to see you on Monday.” Byeongkwan whispered, followed by a yawn sounding through the phone. “Let’s sleep now, though. I’m tired.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's slowly getting more spicy^^ feel free to leave your thoughts and theories in the comments <3 Feedback is also always appreciated and welcomed of course uwu
> 
> You can also scream at me on Twitter hahah (@babbl1ng)


	4. The right path

“Where should I put the espresso, Sir?” Sehyoon asked, holding open the door to his boss’s office with one and the small espresso cup on a saucer in his other hand. 

“The usual place.” Byeongkwan mumbled, as always observed in his work. Sehyoon did as told, only to flinch slightly, when the other suddenly addressed him,

“Sehyoon, come over here for a second.” He put down the cup and then approached Byeongkwan’s desk. 

“Is there something else I can do for you, Sir?” The other’s answer consisted of throwing whatever documents he had been looking at onto his desk so that they slid over towards Sehyoon. The latter frowned, stepping a bit closer to get a better view of what seemed to be photographs, before his eyes grew huge. 

“Where...where did you get these from?” He wanted to know, taken aback, and Byeongkwan shrugged. 

“I got my ways...Feel free take a closer look at them.” Reluctantly Sehyoon grabbed one of the pictures, holding it in his hands as if it was about to explode while he observed its content in mild disgust. The photograph showed a man who Sehyoon found to be familiar looking but couldn’t put a name on. He was sitting on what seemed to be a couch, a young, naked woman placed in his lap. The man himself was missing his pants. 

“What do you think? Should I send these to him and demand some money?” Byeongkwan asked, an amused expression on his face. “I could never stand this guy anyway.” 

“Who is he?” 

“Does that matter? The only thing you need to know is that he is important enough for these pictures to mean the end of his career and marriage, so how much do you want? We could buy you a new car.” It was as if Sehyoon’s blood turned into ice and he searched Byeongkwan’s face for a sign that he was joking; that this was only a stupid prank or some kind of test.

“I...I don’t need a car, Sir. I always take the subway.” That information seemed to scandalize the other more than the explicit photographs of a man he intended on blackmailing. 

“The subway? Car it is then.” He took back the pictures and put them into a plain brown envelope with a satisfied smile, before he got up and sat down in the armchair by the window. When Sehyoon stayed frozen on his spot by the desk, he frowned and then gestured him to come closer. 

Not having any other choice, Sehyoon moved towards Byeongkwan, the emotions in his head being a mess. It was as if someone had pulled away the floor under his feet and he was falling and falling without any ground in sight. Then Byeongkwan gave him a beaming smile and Sehyoon finally hit the floor, his heart throbbing painfully. 

“What are you doing later?” Sehyoon shrugged without his brain even really having processed the question. Byeongkwan...His sweet, beautiful Byeongkwan... “Then...Can I meet you later? Do you want to come over? Sehyoon?” 

“Huh?” He snapped out of his daze, meeting Byeongkwan’s questioning eyes. The latter slowly got up and walked closer, raising his hands to fix Sehyoon’s tie. 

“I said that I want to see you later. Drive me home.” He didn’t even bother to check first, if someone was watching them, when he pressed a kiss to Sehyoon’s lips before letting go of him and handing him the saucer and cup. “You are dismissed.” 

* * *

_“Hey, Sehni, it’s Junhee...I tried calling you like five times but it seems like you are still working. I...I just wanted to talk to you. I think there are some things we should talk about so please, call me back.”_ The voicemail ended with a beep and his phone skipped right to the next message; again, Junhee but a newer one,

_“Sehyoon...It’s been two weeks...Please, call me, it’s important.”_ _Beep_. Sehyoon sighed, putting his phone back into his pocket. He felt guilty for ignoring his best friend, though he hadn’t done it one purpose. He had meant to listen to the voicemails and call Junhee back but he simply had gotten too caught up in his work...and Byeongkwan. 

“Secretary Kim?” As always Sehyoon jumped when the intercom system came to life all of a sudden and he turned towards the window, watching Byeongkwan giggle and wave at him. He smiled weakly and waved back, trying his best to ban the earlier incident with the photographs from his mind. 

“What can I do for you, Sir?” 

“Do you want to leave early today?” Sehyoon blinked, caught off guard. In his two years of working for his boss, the latter had never suggested or allowed him to leave early. His confusion must have been written all over his face, because Byeongkwan’s giggles turned into laughter.

“Why are you looking so scandalized? Scared your boss will fire you? Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll understand. I heard he also can’t wait to go home early so he can meet his boyfriend and make him beg for his allowance to fuck him.” By now Sehyoon’s face was burning and he was glad nobody else was around to see him. Still, the thought of drowning himself in Byeongkwan’s presence was more than tempting. Because of that he forced himself to smile.

“If that’s the case then I surely won’t mind leaving early.” 

* * *

Touching Byeongkwan had always been easy and getting lost in his kisses had never failed to make him forget. So, when they stumbled into the other’s apartment not much later, scattering clothes on the floor all the way to his bedroom, it was easy to no longer think about Byeongkwan showing him an entirely new side of him; a side Sehyoon wished he had never discovered. 

However, his brain couldn’t stay switched off forever and though he was holding Byeongkwan in his arms, the latter’s touch or the feeling of his damp hair under Sehyoon’s fingertips wasn’t enough to keep the memories away any longer... 

He tried to not think about them, he really did; burying his face against Byeongkwan’s neck and peppering his naked body with kisses until his giggles were filling the silence and he told him to stop. This was the Byeongkwan Sehyoon knew and the only one he wanted to think about and still, he could no longer ignore the fact that he had suggested to blackmail someone. Something that wasn’t only illegal but also highly morally questionable.

“Kwan...” He spoke up, his eyes focusing on the sun setting outside instead of Byeongkwan’s questioning expression. 

“Mmmh...?” 

“Did you really mean it?” From the corner of his eye he saw the other frown. 

“Mean what? That I want you to fuck me until I’m unable to walk?” He laughed. “No silly, I have to work tomorrow. Which doesn’t mean I’m not up for another round.” Byeongkwan leaned over him with a smirk, pressing a kiss against his lips and for a second, Sehyoon let himself get carried away. Then there was the photograph flashing through his mind again and he broke away, panting heavily. Byeongkwan watched him in confusion. 

“Everything okay? We don’t have to if you don’t want...” Sehyoon shook his head, trying to clear his dazed mind. Why was it that he seemed to never be able to think straight in Byeongkwan’s presence?

“It’s not that...It’s...” He hesitated. Should he really ask him about it? What if that only made everything worse? What if he got involved in things that could harm him? But also, was there anyone who saved Byeongkwan from getting harmed? No, he had to talk to him about it. Perhaps it turned out to be a stupid prank after all...Byeongkwan loved jokes and pranks...Just that he didn’t.

“What you said about the photographs and buying me a new car...Did you really mean it?” He watched in fearful anticipation how Byeongkwan’s face light up with realization.

“Ahhh...” He smiled. “So, you want a car after all?” The last bit of hope inside of Sehyoon broke into tiny pieces.

“God dammit, this is blackmailing, Kwannie!” Byeongkwan shrugged, looking unaffected. They could as well be talking about which restaurant they wanted to eat dinner in later.

“It’s what one has to do to achieve things in this work branch...I thought you knew that.” Disbelief paired with distress rushed through Sehyoon and he could feel desperate tears gather in his eyes. 

“This is not the first time...” It wasn’t a question but Byeongkwan nodded nevertheless. 

“No...” He watched Sehyoon who was trying his best to hold in his tears. A criminal...His boyfriend was a criminal. In a book he would have perhaps found this romantic in a weird kind of way but right now it was as if he was lying next to a complete stranger. That thought was it what made him distance himself from Byeongkwan, his heart throbbing painfully when he saw hurt flashing over the other’s face. 

“Sehyoon...I...I can explain myself...” He said, reaching out a hand but Sehyoon flinched as if it would burn him, so he let it fall back onto the bed. “You know that I had nothing when I founded KBKTV. As a poor, gay guy from the countryside there wouldn’t have ever been a chance for me to get where I am now without...” 

“Hurting other people?” Sehyoon completed his sentence but Byeongkwan ignored his interjection, 

“...building connections and playing my part in a game that’s as old as society itself.” 

“That doesn’t change the fact that what you are doing is wrong. You...You are...so sweet why...” The tears begun falling and when soft hands pulled him closer and started gently caressing his hair and cheeks, Sehyoon let it happen. Fighting against his own body seemed too exhausting right now. 

“And that’s why I love you. You are so much better than me, Sehyoon. You are kind and you care about me like nobody else does. You call me all these sweet things not because you want to use me but because you really mean them...” Soft lips joined the gentle touches and Sehyoon looked up at Byeongkwan, his face blurred because of his tears but it still looked as beautiful as always. 

“You love me?” He whispered, his voice too weak to speak louder. Byeongkwan nodded and smiled sadly. 

“Yes, I love you. I love you so much, Yooni. So please, don’t leave me. Don’t leave me alone in this dark world when you are the only light I have.” Sehyoon wasn’t sure what he was feeling right now; desperation about his newest discovery or happiness about the fact that Byeongkwan had told him the three words he had wanted to hear the most uttered by those lips. In the end, the tears died down and Sehyoon buried his head against Byeongkwan’s chest where he could shut out the rest of the world. The other kept on stroking his hair, the motion slowly lulling him to sleep. 

“Promise me that you won’t leave me...” Was the last thing he heard Byeongkwan say and he weakly nodded, before he drifted off to sleep. Sehyoon knew that he wasn’t strong enough to leave Byeongkwan. He would never be strong enough...

* * *

Junhee and Sehyoon had been friends since first grade. For Junhee it had been the start of a lifelong friendship while for Sehyoon, it had been the beginning of years of pining. Still, even with Sehyoon secretly having been head over heels for his best friend throughout all of middle, high school and even university, they had never been awkward around each other. At least not until today. 

“Do you want to order something? It’s on me, don’t worry.” Sehyoon watched his friend throw him a nervous smile and his heart throbbed painfully. What had the two boys that had awkwardly befriended each other over a bloody knee and a shared Snickers turned into? One pitiful and the other repulsive, Sehyoon being the latter. 

“It’s fine, I can pay for my own coffee...I got a bonus recently.” Junhee snorted. 

“Was that for your hard work inside or outside the office?” Sehyoon’s jaw tightened and his voice was colder than usual when he answered, 

“The new music show project hit off big so our CEO decided to award _all_ of his employees for their hard work...” They both ordered, Sehyoon paying for his own coffee, before they sat down in the back of the Café, an awkward silence surrounding them. 

“So...” He eventually spoke up after Junhee didn’t show any signs that he intended on starting their conversation, “What is it that you wanted to talk to me about so urgently? I hope something else than only making fun of my relationship...” Junhee winced and Sehyoon hated how satisfied it made him feel. 

“I’m really sorry about that, Sehni. You know that I sometimes speak before thinking about it first.” Sehyoon nodded, gesturing him to keep talking. However, Junhee hesitated, nervously fiddling with a napkin on the table. 

“I wanted to see you to apologize for my behavior...Though your reaction wasn’t okay either!” Again, Sehyoon nodded, the guilt from their last meeting returning. 

“That’s true and I want to apologize for that too. Also, I forgive you...It was a stupid fight, I’m sorry. I asked for your honest opinion and then got angry at you...” 

“No, no, I understand! I said some mean things about Byeongkwan without even really knowing him and you didn’t let it slide… I...uhm...If you still want to, you could maybe bring him along again so that we can all get to know each other better.” His idea made Sehyoon smile, the uncomfortable feeling surrounding them slowly fading. 

“Yeah! That sounds like a great idea!” He took a sip of his coffee, pushing away the thought that Junhee might have been right after all. Byeongkwan was a good person. Life just had made him end up on the wrong path but under Sehyoon’s guidance he could surely make his way back. It was possible. 

“I’m just always so worried about you, Sehyoon.” Junhee went on with his explanation, still avoiding his eyes, “You’ve got such a kind heart...You deserve happiness more than anyone else.” Fondness and warmth spread in Senyoon’s body and he reached over the table to take Junhee’s hand, a gesture he had gotten so used to that he did it more out of reflex than that he really thought about it. They had been close for years and talking to Junhee like this made Sehyoon realize just how much he had missed him. Since he had started dating Byeongkwan all his rare free time had gotten dedicated to the other and it had made him forget about Junhee. However, now that he thought about it that had perhaps been his goal in the first place. Not that it really mattered. In the end all that counted was the fact that Sehyoon was finally over Junhee now. Which didn’t mean he cared any less about his friend.

“You deserve all the happiness in the entire world too. Junhee, after all what this idiot put you through back then, I really hope you’ll finally find someone who treats you with nothing but kindness and respect.” His friend nodded weakly, unshed tears shimmering in his eyes. 

“I just still feel so stupid. How many times did you tell me that he wasn’t right for me but I didn’t listen to you and got angry instead. I should have realized from the beginning that...” he stopped, nervously biting his lower lip, “...that the person who was best for me was right in front of me the entire time...” Sehyoon stared at Junhee dumbfounded, his brain working unusual slow. His friend couldn’t really mean what he thought he was implying...That would be laughable, yes, even cruel!

“I like you, Sehyoon...As more than just a friend....” Junhee whispered, Sehyoon’s hope getting crushed once again. “I’ve liked you for quite some time actually but after everything that had happened I...I didn’t want to pull you into my mess so I didn’t tell you... And now you are happy with Byeongkwan...” 

“Then why are you telling me now? Now that I’m finally happy?” Sehyoon wanted to know, surprised by his own anger that was suddenly blazing up inside of him like fire. 

“W—What?” Junhee stammered. Sehyoon pulled away the hand that had been holding his friend’s, years of desperation and heartbreak crashing on him like huge waves.

“I prayed for so many years for you to tell me these words until I eventually gave up and now that I finally moved on...” Sehyoon ran a hand through his hair, not caring that he made a mess of it. All the frustration and anger that were rushing through his veins made it impossible for him to grasp a clear thought. If only Junhee had told him sooner. If only he had fallen in love with Sehyoon sooner, then perhaps they could have saved each other. 

“You...you were in love with me?” This time he looked Junhee right in the eyes, when he answered, the taste of blood from biting his lip too hard on his tongue,

“Always.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wave the fluff bye bye because this is where the angst kicks in :D
> 
> Also yaaay we love love triangles lmao
> 
> As always feel free to leave opinions and feedback as well as kudos ofc <3 it would make me very happy uwu


	5. Because I love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to whatever this is :D I hope you'll enjoy your stay uwu

That night Sehyoon got a call from Byeongkwan. He didn’t think too much of it at first, Byeongkwan often called him late after finishing additional work, but when sobs sounded through the speaker, they jolted Sehyoon wide awake immediately. 

“Kwanni? What happened?” Panic and worry were spreading in his body like the cold after having gotten soaked by rain. He had never heard the other cry before. 

“Driver Choi…is on the way.” Was everything Byeongkwan got out, before hanging up again and Sehyoon hastily got out of bed to put on some clothes.

The entire drive to Byeongkwan’s home, Sehyoon shifted nervously in his seat. He was worried. Something really bad must have happened for the other to cry like this and call him. Byeongkwan hated showing weakness in front of others, even Sehyoon, and tears to him meant losing control of everything, including one’s own body and emotions.

After ringing the door bell, it took Byeongkwan less than 20 seconds to open the door and throw himself into Sehyoon’s arms who barely managed to catch him in his surprise. They stumbled backwards into the hallway but Byeongkwan didn’t seem to care. He only wrapped his arms tighter around Sehyoon’s neck, his tears leaving wet stains on his shirt. Sehyoon returned the hug, gently caressing the other’s hair and back while soothingly whispering that everything would be all right again.

Eventually Byeongkwan calmed down enough to let go of him, before taking his hand and pulling him into the living room.

“Do you…Want to…drink something?” He asked, getting interrupted by hiccups multiple times and Sehyoon shook his head, not taking his eyes off Byeongkwan for even a second. His worry had only gotten worse now that he had seen him.

“Come here…” He mumbled, stretching out his arms and to his surprise Byeongkwan complied without showing any kind of resistance. He placed himself in Sehyoon’s lap, leaning his head against his shoulder with a tired sigh. They stayed like this for a while until Byeongkwan’s hiccups had stopped and his heartbeat had calmed down. Only then did Sehyoon finally ask,

“What happened?”

“You don’t want to know that…” Byeongkwan said, his voice so quiet that Sehyoon wasn’t sure he had understood right. Still, the other’s words confused and hurt him. How did he get the idea that Sehyoon didn’t care about him?

“Of course, I want to know! You are upset and nothing hurts me more than seeing you like this…” He pressed his forehead against Byeongkwan’s hair, hoping the latter could hear just how genuine his words were, “No matter what it is, you can tell me so we can try to find a solution together. That’s how a relationship works.”

“I’m scared you’ll get hurt…” Byeongkwan whispered, moving his head so that he was looking at Sehyoon with big, fearful eyes. “They might try to hurt you too…” Sehyoon felt how all warmth faded from his body.

“Who is them? What are you talking about? Damn, Kwannie! Let me help you!” The image of men, entirely dressed in black, pulling Byeongkwan into a car and killing him not much later, forced itself into his mind and he felt how his hands started trembling. Sehyoon was scared, but not for himself. He was scared that something would happen to Byeongkwan.

“I can’t tell you too much…There are many people that want me gone. I often get letters with threats but this time…this time it was different.” It seemed to be difficult for Byeongkwan to voice his thoughts and when his body started shaking again, Sehyoon pulled him back into his comforting arms. “It was someone I worked with years ago. Back then I did a couple of things I’m not proud of but he always encouraged me.” New tears begun falling from Byeongkwan’s eyes and pain pierced Sehyoon’s heart. It hurt seeing the other like this. “I…I really trusted him but one day, he suddenly cut off ties with me and now years later he came back. Apparently, he found out about our relationship. He threatened me to leave you or else he will hurt both of us…”

Sehyoon stared at his boyfriend with wide eyes, unable to belief what he had just told him. Someone who Byeongkwan had trusted came back to now threaten both of their lives… It all sounded like the plot from an action movie and he silently regretted having wished to become a secret agent while blowing out the candles on his 9th birthday. Knowing there was someone out there who intended on hurting him and his loved ones was a lot less exciting in real life than his childhood books.

“Did you tell the police?” He asked, though he already knew the answer. Byeongkwan confirmed it by shaking his head.

“No…I can’t…You know I can’t…” Sehyoon sighed defeated. Why, just why did Byeongkwan have to be part of illegal activities like blackmailing and perhaps even worse stuff? And just why did Sehyoon have to be so crazy in love with him that even with that knowledge, he wasn’t able to leave? Tears also gathered in his eyes now, but he blinked them away angrily. He wouldn’t cry. Just for once he wanted to be stronger than Byeongkwan. The latter looked at him with wet, puffy cheeks and a runny nose, his eyes more vulnerable than Sehyoon had ever seen them before.

“Yooni…I’m so scared…” That was the moment in which a decision snap in place and a wave of determination rushed through Sehyoon’s veins. He needed to protect Byeongkwan. He needed to protect their relationship, the only thing he hadn’t ruined yet and that gave him more happiness than anything else ever could. The thought of losing Byeongkwan hurt more than doing something that could potentially hurt others. His love for his boyfriend had turned him into a selfish addict who would do anything to not have to come down from his high.

“What do you need me to do?” He asked, his voice sounding somewhat emotionless. Byeongkwan’s eyes grew even wider and he hastily shook his head.

“No, Sehyoon! It’s too dangerous.” But Sehyoon ignored him.

“Just tell me what you want me to do! Tell me, how I can fix this?” Byeongkwan gulped, before he placed his tender hands on Sehyoon’s cheeks, looking at him with an intense gaze.

“It would break you, Sehyoon… There are some things you can’t do for me and that’s fine… I won’t be angry at you for just standing by…” Angrily, Sehyoon grabbed Byeongkwan’s hands and removed them from his face, still holding them in a tight grip even when the other tried to pull them away, a pained whine escaping his lips.

“I’m stronger than you think! I won’t just stand by and wait for you to get hurt! How could I? I love you Byeongkwan!” The other’s bottom lip started trembling and Sehyoon was scared that his emotional outburst would make the tears return, only to watch in surprise how a tiny smile bloomed on Byeongkwan’s face.

“I knew I could trust you…” He whispered, before leaning in and silencing all of Sehyoon’s remaining doubts with a kiss.

* * *

Sehyoon checked the time on the display of the car again and again, nervously tapping his fingers against the steering wheel while he went through the list in his head for the probably millionth time. After having gotten lost in Byeongkwan’s presence like so often, Sehyoon had only really realized what he had agreed on to do, the next morning. Instead of watching movies or taking a walk in the park like how he imagined a perfect day in the other’s presence, Byeongkwan begun talking to him about a plan which he had made up at some point in the night. A plan which forced Sehyoon to throw up his breakfast in the bathroom not much later, after he had fully processed it. Now, too, Sehyoon could feel the nausea in his stomach getting worse and worse and he hastily opened the window to let some fresh night air into the stuffy car. It did help to calm his upset stomach but not much.

The minutes went by and Sehyoon checked the list again. Gloves? He was wearing them. Black clothes, a cap and a mask? Also, all in place on his body. The way to the agreed meeting point? He could find it in his sleep. The gun with the silencer? Secured in a bag next to him. The time? Only five more minutes to go…

Sehyoon took a deep shaky breath, sweat gathering on his forehead and in the palms of his hands. The gloves only made it worse and he wished he could take them off but he knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t allow himself to make any mistakes. The number on the display changed again and Sehyoon tried to focus on his breathing instead of thinking about what he was intending on doing. Not that it worked. And how should it? He was about to do something unforgivable…Something which he would never be able to fix again.

_Byeongkwan…You are doing this for Beongkwan to protect him!_ He repeated in his head again and again, making it his only thought until the clock eventually hit one in the morning. It was show time and Sehyoon was one of the main performers.

Slowly he got out of the car, making sure his face was covered, before grabbing the small bag with the gun. Sehyoon wished it would have been lighter, then perhaps he could have ignored its weight in his hand but instead, with every step, the heaviness reminded him of all the sins he was about to commit. Still, there was no going back now. He needed to do this or else Byeongkwan or even Sehyoon himself would get hurt. The other had said so, so it must be the truth. Byeongkwan wouldn’t lie to him…Never…

Sehyoon made his way towards the parking lot they were supposed to meet in, his steps getting heavier the closer he came. Guilt…There was so much guilt suffocating him already.

_“It would break you, Sehyoon.”_ Byeongkwan’s voice ghosted through his mind and he wildly shook his head to get rid of it. Sehyoon wasn’t weak. He would protect Byeongkwan and afterwards they could start a new life, just like the other had promised him earlier, before pressing a last kiss to his lips. That promise was it that had helped Sehyoon to not freak out and patiently wait in the car instead, while his thoughts had been close to crushing him. They would start a new life and Byeongkwan could finally leave behind whatever bad things he had done. All of that had happened in a time before Sehyoon but now he would be able to lead Byeongkwan back to the right path. He was sure of that.

A noise from the other side of the garage made him flinch startled and he quickly hid in the shadow of one of the cars. In the distance, he could make out a figure that was slowly coming closer and he grabbed the gun tighter.

_“He will be carrying a blue bag. It will be easy for you to recognize him. Nobody else will be there.”_ Had Byeongkwan assured him and Sehyoon hadn’t asked any further questions. He didn’t want to know where Byeongkwan had gotten all this information from or what exactly happened between him and the man in the past. All he cared about was how frightened Byeongkwan had looked when he told him that he wanted to hurt him.

“Excuse me?” The man’s voice echoed through the garage, making the place appear scarier than it already was. “Kwan? Why are you hiding?” He stepped even closer, holding up the blue bag and before Sehyoon could really process it, he had pulled out the gun and jumped forward. It took less than thirty seconds for the three bullets to pierce the man’s chest, whereupon he stumbled and fell to the ground with a dull sound, a shocked expression on his face. Sehyoon stared at the trembling body for what felt like an eternity, all muscles inside of him having gone numb. It took the man’s pained wailing to finally make his hands let go of the gun which fell to the ground with a sound his ears didn’t discern, and run forward, where he kneeled down next to the injured man.

“No…no…” Sehyoon whimpered, looking at the white dress shirt that was slowly getting soaked in blood. “I’m so sorry…” Tears gathered in his eyes and fell down his cheeks, while he began pressing his hands again the wounds, loudly cursing the fact that he only got two and therefore couldn’t cover all three bullet holes in the man’s chest at the same time.

“I’m so sorry!” Sehyoon repeated again, for the first time looking at the man’s face. Because of the bad lighting and his blurry vision, he couldn’t make out much but to his surprise he looked younger than he had imagined. Too young to die… The man moved his lips as if he wanted to speak and Sehyoon leaned closer, not able to ignore a dying person’s last words even though they would most likely curse Sehyoon’s life or just beg him to get help. God, Sehyoon didn’t want to do anything more than that but Byeongkwan hadn’t allowed him to bring his phone and until Sehyoon would have found a living soul at this time and in this area, the man would probably already be dead.

“You…” His victim finally managed to get out, while Sehyoon was still trying his best to keep the blood from leaving his body. However, the only thing that he achieved was getting it all over his hands and clothes.

“I’m so sorry…” Sehyoon whispered again, it being the only clear sentence that he was able to grasp in his raging head.

“Kwan… He…sent you...?” He stared at the man with wide eyes, watching in astonishment how he begun to laugh, it sounding very painful, whereupon more blood flowed out of his mouth, before his muscles relaxed and the life faded from his eyes. Sehyoon kept sitting next to him, his hands still pressing against the bullet holes while his brain processed the horrible incident.

Sehyoon had just taken another person’s life and there was no way that he would ever be able to forgive himself for that.

* * *

He didn’t know how he managed to make his way back to the car and then drive to Byeongkwan’s apartment without getting pulled over. His head seemed to be completely empty and he fully accredited the fact that his body was still moving to his muscle memory.

Byeongkwan looked surprised when he found him in front of his door not much later and Sehyoon couldn’t blame him. This was neither part of the plan nor did he look presentable right now; covered in blood from head to toe.

“Sehyoon, I told you not to come here right after—“, Silent tears started falling and Byeongkwan went quiet, before he quickly pulled him inside. “Did you…Did you do it?” He carefully asked after having assured himself that the door was closed securely and Sehyoon nodded weakly, followed by him bending forward and throwing up all over Byeongkwan’s expensive carpet. A second later, he broke down, not caring that he was kneeling in his own vomit while his boyfriend watched him with wide eyes.

“I did it, Kwanni…” He whispered, “I killed him.” Saying it out loud made it painfully real and Sehyoon’s sobs begun filling the silence, only getting interrupted by him throwing up a second time. Blood…There was just so much blood everywhere and cold, dead eyes seemed to stare at him from every dark corner. He had ended a life, so what did that mean? How many people would be crying about the man? Did he have a family? Maybe even children? Had he taken the life of a child’s father?

More vomit joined the puddle on the floor, when suddenly arms wrapped themselves around him, holding him tight.

“Pssst…It’s all right…” Byeongkwan said, stroking the sweaty hair out of his face and brushing away his tears. “You did so well, baby. You protected me…protected us and I love you so so much. We can start anew now…Everything will be all right…”

Byeongkwan held him like this while Sehyoon puked out his guts and then helped him to wash away the vomit and blood, before tucking him into bed, telling him again and again that everything would be all right. But it wouldn’t be. Nothing would ever be all right again and Sehyoon knew that. Something inside of him had broken into tiny pieces; destroyed forever, never to be put together again. Not even Byeongkwan’s soothing words and touches could fix that and Sehyoon hated himself for being weak after all. The other had been right and now he was broken, guilt and self-loathing becoming his constant companion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes helloooo :D this just happened... rip
> 
> so uhm idk... feel free to leave comments and/or kudos? <3 
> 
> see you next week~


	6. Ruin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter leggooo

“Babe, you need to get out of bed, it’s nearly afternoon.” Byeongkwan energetically ripped open the curtains, letting bright sunlight stream inside which hurt Sehyoon’s eyes. He groaned, burying his head in his pillow.

“I don’t want to, I’m tired…” He said, it getting muffled by the fabric. Byeongkwan sighed and then sat down next to him, a hand gently beginning to caress his hair.

“For three months now, you haven’t done anything else than working and sleeping. I appreciate your eagerness to help me but this can’t be healthy. You need to keep moving to get over this.” Sehyoon chuckled humorlessly. Keep moving? Byeongkwan had no idea what he was talking about. “Baaabe…” His boyfriend whined, burying his face against his neck and peppering it with kisses. “I miss my boyfriend…Come back to the real world with me and help me plan our wedding…” The other’s words felt like hits to his stomach. Sleep had let him forget about their wedding for a precious couple of hours but now, that memory painfully forced itself back into his mind again.

It had been Byeongkwan’s idea and Sehyoon had said yes, though every reasonable part of his brain had screamed at him that he was making his situation worse. And still, it was only fair. He deserved this life; he deserved to feel like shit while Byeongkwan played him like a puppet and guilt seemed to consume every of his thoughts. The irony in the whole situation was that at the same time, it was as if Sehyoon could only forgot about the guilt when he was together with Byeongkwan. His kisses, his touches, his voice… They all seemed to be the only things that could heal him for a short period of time and Sehyoon needed them like morphine. Now, too, when Byeongkwan turned his face and then gave him a hungry kiss, it made him forget, even though only for a couple of seconds. That was also why he whined disappointedly and chased after him, when the other pulled away again. Byeongkwan only shook his head, grinning amused.

“Tststs…I have to be careful or at this rate you’ll turn into a sex addict.” Sehyoon furrowed his eyebrows.

“No…The only person I want to sleep with is you…” He said and then sat up so that he was able to connect their lips again. Byeongkwan returned the kiss and even allowed him to let his lips wander down his throat, only to lightly push him away, when he slid a hand under his shirt.

“That’s enough, Yoon.” He announced and got up. “Get dressed, we have an appointment with my tailor.” With these words he disappeared outside and Sehyoon sighed, before he flopped back down onto the bed. What Byeongkwan had said was true; he never left the house these days, except he had to go to work or his fiancé forced him to accompany him to an appointment, usually being wedding related. Sehyoon did whatever he wanted him to as long as that meant he could hide in the darkness of their bedsheets for the rest of the time. Not that that was much better. He got haunted by nightmares nearly every night but at least sleeping made time pass by faster.

After his committed murder, Sehyoon had thought – yes, hoped – that the police would show up at his doorsteps one day. He had been a terrific murderer; getting blood on his clothes, ignoring nearly a thousand security cameras and leaving behind the murder weapon with the dead body at the crime scene, even though Byeongkwan had told him to throw both into a pig stall or something similar. However, when he had confessed his failure in tears to his boyfriend later, the latter had only peppered his face with kisses and assured him that he had already taken care of everything; that there was nothing Sehyoon needed to worry about, and he should end up being right. So far, no police had shown up to arrest or investigate him and Sehyoon was too scared to check the news to see whether they had already discovered the dead body somewhere or were still clueless.

Instead he had finally given into Byeongkwan’s begging to move into his new mansion in the mountains with him and the entire world found out about their relationship after his fiancé proudly announced their engagement at a press conference, kissing Sehyoon in front of all the cameras that hungrily snapped pictures of them while Sehyoon forced himself to smile, all his will power needed to not start screaming and throwing up in front of the journalists. He had done that some hours later in a bathroom, before he eventually passed out. Of course, Byeongkwan had made sure that nobody found out about that, though.

Yes, Kim Sehyoon’s life had turned into one big pile of shit and the worst part was that it was his own fault. If he had been a bit stronger… If he would be a bit stronger now… But he wasn’t and because of that he stayed with Byeongkwan, clinging to him as if he was the only thing keeping him from completely going insane. Only a couple of months ago, the thought of one day calling the other his husband would have made him the happiest man alive, but happiness was no longer something he deserved after what he had done.

“Babe! I know you are still lying in bed! Our appointment is in less than two hours and we need to drive to the city first!” It was easy to hear that Byeongkwan’s patience was slowly fading and unwillingly Sehyoon got up, dragging his feet towards the table where is phone was lying. He had gotten several new text messages since last afternoon and he scrolled through them, stopping when his eyes fell on Junhee’s name.

> _From: **Idiot Junhee**_
> 
> _“I know you are mad at me…you ignored all my other messages”_
> 
> _“Please, I’m worried so just give me a call”_
> 
> _“The others are worried about you too”_

Sehyoon stared at the messages, nausea rising in his stomach which seemed to have become a constant companion these days. His friends had tried calling him many times over the past couple months but Sehyoon had always ignored them. It wasn’t like he didn’t incredibly miss them but he didn’t want to stain the precious bond of friendship that they had shared with the old Sehyoon. With the Sehyoon he had killed. The same applied to his parents. He was already coming up with plans on how to make sure they wouldn’t attend his wedding. He didn’t want them to see what had become of their son and he also didn’t know if he wouldn’t end up telling them about all his rotten deeds.

The noise of Byeongkwan coming back to their bedroom made Sehyoon’s head snap up and he quickly hid the phone behind his back. When his fiancé appeared in the doorway and saw that he was still dressed in his pajamas, he sighed.

“Yooni…” His voice sounded sad and immediately Sehyoon felt guilty for his selfish behavior. Byeongkwan was trying hard to make their relationship work and he knew that…He just couldn’t forget the incident in the garage and his victim’s last words. They had planted doubts inside of Sehyoon that were growing bigger and bigger, whenever Byeongkwan left the room to talk to someone in a hushed voice on the phone or, when he didn’t want to tell Sehyoon where he was going in the middle of the night. And still, despite all of this, Sehyoon never tried to find out the truth. He didn’t want to know nor did he turn himself in and that made him nearly as despicable as the murder he had commited.

“I’m sorry…” He mumbled, carefully placing the phone on the table while Byeongkwan turned his back to him to open the door to the bathroom. He knew that he would check his messages when he was in the shower anyway. He always did and Sehyoon was pretty sure that he didn’t even try to hide it.

“Come here…” Byeongkwan said, sounding as sweet and soft as always and Sehyoon followed his order without any kind of resistance. His fiancé took his hand and then put gentle fingers on his cheek. “You’ll take a shower and I’ll search for some nice clothes for you, kay?” Sehyoon only nodded and then stepped into the shower, turning the water as cold as possible in the hope that it would make his constantly raging thoughts freeze to ice.

* * *

“Did you hear anything from Junhee recently?” Byeongkwan’s sudden question cut through the silence in the car and made Sehyoon flinch. He looked at the people that passed them in front of his window, so that he didn’t have to meet his fiancé’s eyes. Lying was useless, though Sehyoon had improved in it quite a lot recently and he began fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

“Yes…he worries about me…” Byeongkwan nodded, clearly satisfied about the fact that he had gotten an honest answer.

“Why don’t you meet up with him then? I know how close you two are…It could be a nice distraction.” Sehyoon looked at him surprised. His fiancé encouraging him to meet up with Junhee, though he usually tended to be jealous of the other and also knew that it would increase the chances of Sehyoon telling someone the truth? Like so often, Byeongkwan seemed to be able to read his mind.

“I know I can trust you… You’ll be a married man soon.” Yes…Byeongkwan could trust him.

“Then…When should I meet him?” He got a shrug as an answer while the car slowly shoved itself through the afternoon traffic.

“We are in the city and there are some things I have to take care of after our appointment so why not in…mmmh…” He glanced at the clock, “…three hours?” Sehyoon gasped.

“Is that really how long the tailoring will need?” That made Byeongkwan laugh and he gave him an amused glance.

“No silly…We just need to get there first and I want to eat ice cream with you afterwards.” For a tiny second, Sehyoon allowed himself to forget and return Byeongkwan’s smile. It was still the same smile he had fallen in love with. Maybe if he could just forget… The sudden flash of something blue made his head dart towards the window, his eyes widened while his breath and heart sped up until they were racing. The image of the blue bag, soaked in blood, was burning inside of his mind and even the realization that the blue flash was merely a blue dress worn by a young woman, didn’t help him to get rid of it.

“… Sehyoon? Sehyoon!” Byeongkwan’s voice slowly got louder and louder as if someone was turning up the volume of a radio and when a warm hand touched his upper arm, Sehyoon flinched back startled, followed by him shooting around. His fiancé was looking at him with a concerned expression while also trying his best to not crash into the car in front of them.

“Are you okay?” Sehyoon nodded, only now noticing his body trembling and the sweat that had gathered on his forehead. He took a deep breath in an attempt to regain control over the situation and his body but the horrifying images in his head still didn’t want to leave him. “Should I pull over? Should we go to the tailor another time?” Byeongkwan tried to reach for him a second time but again Sehyoon couldn’t help but flinch, before he tiredly shook his head.

“No…Let’s just get over with it.”

* * *

Watching Byeongkwan try on different suits for their wedding felt surreal. It was as if Sehyoon was living through a déjà vu and he was pretty sure he had had a dream about marrying Byeongkwan before, in a time in which he would have allowed himself to burst of happiness right now instead of his stomach turning itself upside down again while guilt made breathing harder and harder. Still, Byeongkwan was glowing, so full of excitement that Sehyoon wasn’t able to dampen his good mood. So, he smiled and returned Byeongkwan’s kisses as well as trying to give his honest opinion on every of his fiancé’s suits. Even after knowing of what he was capable, Sehyoon still couldn’t watch Byeongkwan being sad. He still wanted him to find back to the path that would eventually allow both of them to become happy again. If Sehyoon just tried a bit harder, maybe it was still possible.

“So, since I’ll be wearing the dark suit for the ceremony, you should take the white one.” Byeongkwan commented, eyeing the possible choices with in concentration furrowed eyebrows. Sehyoon did his best attempt on looking similar invested in their wedding suits while his eyes wandered to his phone again and again. Upon receiving Byeongkwan’s permission, he had sent a message to Junhee, asking him if he was free this evening. His friend still hadn’t answered and by now Sehyoon was convinced that he wouldn’t get a reply and their friendship was finally over. It was probably better that way…After all Sehyoon deserved it.

“Babe are you listening to me?” Sehyoon looked up from his phone and right into Byeongkwan’s face that watched him with raised eyebrows.

“Huh? Sorry…” The other sighed before he held up a white suit.

“I asked you, what you think of this? Black for me and white for you since you are the purer one of us both. Though that might have changed recently, don’t you think so?” He cackled and then suggestively winked at Sehyoon while the tailor next to him politely turned away and pretended to reorganize some of the suits on one of the chaise lounges. Sehyoon knew just as well as him that it had been a reference to their sex life and still, he couldn’t stop his hands from starting to tremble, like so often the gruesome images taking over his mind. Clenching his shaking hands to fists in an attempt to look unbothered, he smiled and hoped that his strained expression wouldn’t shift Byeongkwan’s and the tailor’s attention to him while they were in the process of picking out the final four suits. Pretending and lying was Sehyoon’s life now so he’d better do an amazing job at it.

When they walked down a sunny road, not much later that day, Byeongkwan’s hand slid into his nearly automatically. It was nice holding it, the physical contact soothing Sehyoon’s raging mind at least a bit.

“Today really was a great day!” His fiancé announced, grinning happily before he kept on licking his ice cream. Sehyoon looked at him, not able to suppress a sad smile. This was what he had given himself up for, so how could he regret it?

“Are you happy?” Byeongkwan blinked confused, followed by him nodding eagerly.

“Of course! How couldn’t I be? I got everything I wanted.” The grin returned to his face and not being able to stop himself, Sehyoon leaned forward, kissing the ice cream off his lips. It was nice that they could do this now; openly showing affection like this without having to be scared that someone would see them. No, it was incredible and Sehyoon never got enough of it. He needed Byeongkwan, needed his warmth…

“Sehyoon… my ice cream!” Byeongkwan whined, pushing him away with a pout. Sehyoon frowned confused until his eyes fell on the ice cream that was spattered on the ground. “It’s all gone now because of you!” His fiancé looked sincerely upset, fighting against his arms when he wanted to pull him closer again.

“Don’t worry…We can go back and I’ll buy you as much ice cream as you want.” Sehyoon assured him, pressing his lips against the pout which quickly disappeared. “You know that I would do anything for you.” God, how much he hated that this was still the truth. Finally, Byeongkwan wrapped his hands back around his neck, smiling brightly.

“I know…” He said, giving him another quick kiss before pulling him to the next ice cream truck and ordering scoops of every flavor.

* * *

Defeated, Sehyoon let himself fall on a chair in a dark corner of the coffee shop. He hadn’t actually wanted to come here after not having heard from Junhee but Byeongkwan had needed to head to his next appointment and Sehyoon didn’t feel in the mood to explain to him that there was no use in dropping him off at their supposed meeting point. He’d drink a coffee or two and then tell Byeongkwan about everything later, when they were on their way home… _Home_ …The word still didn’t sound right to him. Sehyoon wasn’t sure if the huge house in the mountains would ever feel like a home to him. In his mind that title still belonged to his old apartment which apparently had gotten sold not long after he moved out. It had been small and the bathroom kind of crappy but Sehyoon had loved living there and he missed it dearly. Deep in his thought and memories, he took a sip from his coffee, coughing when the hot liquid burned his mouth and throat and brought tears to his eyes. Pain, there was so much pain exploding everywhere and most of it wasn’t because of the hot coffee.

“Sehyoon?” The familiar voice was it that pulled Sehyoon back from the darkness of his mind and stopped the tears before they could start falling. He blinked in an attempt to get rid of them before he slowly looked up. Junhee eyed him with in concern knitted eyebrows and Sehyoon hated that he had found him like this; a complete mess of a person.

“Juni…I thought you wouldn’t come…” His friend guiltily bit on his lower lip.

“I’m sorry…I was working so I didn’t see your message until a couple minutes ago. Luckily I was in the area so I decided to check if you wouldn’t perhaps be waiting for me and here you are…” He smiled sadly and Sehyoon returned it. Here he was, waiting for the man who he had never been able to ban from his heart. His friend hesitantly sat down, not taking his eyes off him until Sehyoon eventually looked away. He didn’t like the feeling that Junhee was seeing right past his façade and into the gorges which one could find there now, full of darkness, guilt and self-loathing. An awkward silence hung between them for a while until Junhee spoke up again,

“Congrats on your engagement…I saw it in the news…” Sehyoon nodded, not even trying to look excited about it. They both knew that lying wouldn’t work when it came to Junhee. “You know…I would have wished you told me about it… Finding out about it like this really hurt. You didn’t ask for my feelings but we are friends and some consideration would have been nice…” Again, Sehyoon nodded.

“I know…I was just…busy…” Junhee snorted drily.

“Busy? We’ve been so worried about you! I tried calling you and I texted you but you never replied! At first, I thought it was because of my confession but then I found out you treated the others the same! What is going on with you?”

“Nothing…” He didn’t dare to look at Junhee, knowing very well that the lie was easily readable on his face.

“You don’t seriously want me to believe this?” His friend sounded angry but Sehyoon focused on his hands ripping a napkin into tiny pieces while he nodded.

“Yes…I’m great. I’ll be marrying the love of my life, our sex is still as good as at the beginning of our relationship and I’m now the proud owner of three cars and a mansion in the mountains… Doesn’t my life sound perfect? I couldn’t be happier!” Without even noticing it, his voice had gotten louder and louder and, when he finally looked up again, Junhee was staring at him with wide eyes.

“Yooni… What happened?” He asked, his tone full of concern which made Sehyoon’s heart throb painfully. He returned his friend’s stare and for a second the urge to just tell him everything like he had always used to do it overcame him. However, before he was able to get out a single word, reason came back to him and he hastily jumped up.

“I…I have to go.” Sehyoon announced, heading towards the door without even bringing his cup of coffee. Outside he blindly stumbled down the street, not really knowing where he was going until he found himself in the securing darkness of trees. His vision blurred because of unshed tears, he somehow managed to stumble towards a bench, followed by him slumping down on it.

He felt miserable. His life had turned into a nightmare and despite pretending otherwise, he was aware how he would be able to wake up from it…He just was too scared to do it. A whimpering escaped his lips and he tightly pressed them together to prevent any other sounds from coming out, before he buried his head in his hands. He didn’t want to cry… He wasn’t the one who deserved to cry after it had been him who took someone’s life. His victim was allowed cry and his friends and family but not Sehyoon…

Warm arms wrapped themselves around him and his heart stopped for a second, before it continue beating in its unhealthy speed. He knew these arms better than anything else in this world…

“Sehyoon…Yooni….” Junhee whispered, his voice mirroring the pain that Sehyoon was feeling in his chest. His friend rested his forehead on his hair, pulling him even closer when the first sob managed to escape Sehyoon’s mouth despite all his attempts to keep quiet. “Yooni…” Junhee repeated his nickname, gentle fingers coaxing his hands away from his face, followed by them brushing away his tears. Soon they got joined by soft lips and Sehyoon let it happen, ignoring anything that wasn’t Junhee or his like crazy beating heart while the darkness hid them away from the cruel world.

“Please…” Junhee eventually spoke up again, his voice not louder than a whisper and when Sehyoon finally met his eyes, they were full of desperation, “Let me help you…”

Sehyoon returned his pleading stare, a sudden wave of emotions and images crashing down on him. What he saw in his mind was a different life; a life in which he had been brave enough to tell his friend about his feelings, a long time ago, and in which it was Junhee who he was marrying now instead of Byeongkwan. In this other life, he hadn’t taken on the job as Byeongkwan’s secretary, had never fallen in love with him, never killed a stranger and most importantly, he was still his true self instead of the horrible monster that he had become and which was so desperate to escape its miserableness that it bend forward and hungrily pressed its lips against Junhee’s, silencing the latter’s noises of surprise. Ruining things and opportunities…That was something Sehyoon was good at.

He knew it was wrong and still, he couldn’t pull away, the way Junhee returned the kiss and wrapped his arms tighter around his neck after having overcome his shock, banishing every remaining bit of reason from his mind. Sehyoon wanted Junhee… He had wanted him for a long time now and finally being able to drown in his warm touch like he had always imagined it, put him into a state close to ecstasy. Junhee seemed to feel the same, now and then soft moans managing to escape his lips which vanished into the quiet night air around them.

Still, it was Junhee who came back to his senses first, hastily pulling away and staring at Sehyoon with wide, shocked eyes, his breathing sounding fast and strained.

“Fuck…” He whispered and only now did Sehyoon really process what he had just done. Ruining things…He was great at that.

“Junhee…I’m… I’m so sorry… I shouldn’t have—” His friend ran a hand through his hair while tears gathered in his eyes.

“Don’t! Don’t say it! I don’t want to hear that this was a mistake!” His tears begun falling and Sehyoon watched him, not knowing what to do. He wanted to save this thing between them, whatever that was now, but he had also wanted to save Byeongkwan only to betray his trust like this. Cheating…What a nice addition to his list. Junhee’s sobs filled the silence and every single one of them pierced Sehyoon’s heart like burning needles. The other had been by his side for nearly his entire life and Sehyoon had watched him cry like this many times before but today was the first time, that he was the reason for Junhee’s tears and that realization made him feel sick. Sehyoon was tired of it…So damn tired of hurting everybody around him and the guilt which followed afterwards and suffocated him at night. He finally needed to be honest to himself and the people he cared about and he needed to stand up for the mistakes he had made… And Junhee, too, deserved the truth. These thoughts in mind, he hesitantly spoke up,

“I…I want to call this a mistake…But I can’t…” He admitted quietly, surprising his friend enough for his sobs to die down.

“What…what do you mean?” Junhee wanted to know, not pulling away when Sehyoon carefully took his hand as he always did.

“I wish I could just call this kiss a mistake, forget about it, go home and marry Byeongkwan but it’s not as easy as that…” He hesitated, glancing at his friend who watched him with wide eyes, “I loved you for years, Junhee…At least that’s what I want to tell you.” Junhee frowned confused and Sehyoon couldn’t suppress a humorless chuckle. “Sadly, I can’t tell you this because it would be a lie. I still love you. I tried to ignore my feelings, I even used Byeongkwan to distract myself from them and it really worked because I grew to love him too but with him it’s… It’s different.” Sehyoon stared at their intertwined hands, feeling how he slowly drowned in his thoughts. It was his fault…All of this was his fault.

“I wanted to be happy and I wanted you to be happy…But I also want Byeongkwan to be happy. He isn’t a bad person! He cares about me and he loves me…” Again, he got distracted by the storm in his head and it took an encouraging squeeze from Junhee’s hand to pull him back to reality.

“It took me so long to realize that I cannot have either of you. There is somewhere else I have to go…Something I have to do which will end in me losing both of you but it might help me to finally find myself again.” Junhee’s expression made it clear that he had no idea what Sehyoon was trying to tell him and once again, Sehyoon considered letting it stay that way. Living a lie might be better than losing the two most important people in his life after all. However, at the same time he knew that he had lost Junhee a long time ago already, the kiss only having put the final nail in the coffin. There was only one last thing that he needed Junhee for; something that he couldn’t do without his best friend by his side.

Tears begun rolling down his cheeks and he squeezed Junhee’s hand tighter. Fear was raging through his veins, making his limbs tremble and it had nearly managed to overpower him, when his friend pulled him into a comforting hug, it somehow helping to calm the storm in Sehyoon’s head.

“No matter what it is… Even if it will mean the end of our friendship, right now, you are still my best friend and the person I love most in the world so I will stay with you…” Junhee tried to sound strong but Sehyoon could hear his voice shaking and he pulled away again, wanting to catch a last glimpse of his best friend’s eyes before the expression in them would change forever. Then he took a deep breath.

“Junhee… I need you to drive me to the police station.”

For the first time in months, Sehyoon didn’t feel any nausea.

**_The end._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here we are...on the last page ajbdmndwj
> 
> okay so yea ik...It's a very open ending but it seemed fitting to me^^ I'm playing with the idea of writing a second part tho, maybe from BK's pov since there are still many open question. Btw that's not bc I was too lazy to answer them but mainly bc of Sehyoon's character in this fic so yea... It was a personal stylistic choice just like the open ending haha
> 
> Also now that this fic is completed, I would really love to hear your thoughts on it since this fic is a bit different from my usual stuff. I know some of you might be silent readers but pls consider leaving only one sentence or an anonymous cc on my Twitter (@babbl1ng) uwu <3 kudos make me really happy too ofc!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and I hope to see you at one of my other projects or twitter uwu
> 
> take care! bye~~

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave some feedback uwu it would make me very happy~
> 
> you can also follow me on twitter [@babbl1ng](https://twitter.com/Babbl1ng) :D


End file.
